The blog before the Wheel of Fortune

head on over to awallafashagba's new blog

2011-01-15T22:17:00.003Z

Well you can do this - Click http://awallafashagba.me.uk or go straight to my newer blog http://awallafashagba.blogspot.com/

test

2006-06-01T17:43:00.000+01:00

man loses hand

2006-06-01T17:41:00.000+01:00

spring boy

2006-05-19T11:25:00.000+01:00

Blackadder out takes ! Quality

2006-05-17T17:09:00.000+01:00

Camel toe !

2006-05-17T17:06:00.000+01:00

He's a placenta eating monster i tell ya

2006-04-27T15:39:00.000+01:00

superb !

2006-04-27T12:01:00.000+01:00

As seen on Break.com

just in case !

2006-04-21T14:12:00.000+01:00

you pop over here and wonder how im getting on - then all you need to do is drop me a line at simontarling (at) gmail (dot) com and say hello - MSN users add that same address - or pop in usingthe chatango down there on the right ..

For now however my blogging days are over - You can find me over at b3ta - under a different name . .

other then that - click the tube link below to catch up with my films . . .

see ya

Sewn - The Feeling (awesome)

2006-03-31T11:18:00.000+01:00

The Feeling - Sewn

Holy Petrol cap Batman !

2006-03-20T17:29:00.000Z

A man is being held by German police after walking into a petrol station with his wife's severed head in a bag. The 40-year-old man, of Turkish origin, was covered in blood when he approached the night counter at about 0400 GMT and asked the attendant to call the police.

Hamburg police said officers found the head in a bag on a grass verge and arrested the man, who was in a confused state and admitted killing his wife. The body of the woman, aged 39, was found in their nearby flat. Hamburg police spokeswoman Ulrike Sweden said the man seemed "a bit crazy" and may have to see a doctor before charges can be brought.

She said police found a large knife in the flat in Eissendorf, in the south of the city. "It seems he used the knife to kill his wife and cut off the head," she told the BBC News website. The couple's two children - girls aged 13 and six - were found in the flat and taken into police care. "It seems they didn't see the body or what was going on," the spokeswoman said. A motive for the attack is still unclear. Both the man and his wife were of Turkish origin, with German citizenship.

Half way through and . . .

2006-03-20T11:23:00.000Z

Medal Table

Country	Gold	Silver	Bronze
Australia	41	37	32
England	17	20	15
India	12	8	3
Scotland	8	5	6
Canada	7	16	13

2006-03-14T08:10:00.000Z

A woman thought she was in heaven when beer instead of water flowed from the taps in her apartment in west Norway. "I turned on the tap to clean some knives and forks and beer came out," Haldis Gundersen told Reuters from her home in Kristiansund, west Norway. "We thought we were in heaven. "Beer in Norway is among the most expensive in the world with a 0.4 liter (0.7 pint) costing about 50 crowns ($7.48) in a bar.(your telling me ! i paid nearly a tenner for one when i went skiing years ago - about 10 years ago !)

Gundersen said she tried the beer but that it tasted a bit odd and was not fizzy. It turned out that a worker in a bar two floors below had mixed up the pipes on Saturday evening, wrongly connecting a new barrel to a water pipe leading to Gundersen's flat. The bar got water in its beer taps. "If it happens again I'm going to order Baileys (coffee liqueur)," she said.

spaccy hamster

2006-03-09T15:04:00.000Z

As seen on Wimp.com

Absolutely fantastic !!! The Real life Simpsons

2006-03-06T12:50:00.000Z

This is brilliant - has anyone seen this on telly yet ? let me know as im gobsmacked as i love the simpsons with all my heart (who doesnt!)

nice picture daily

2006-03-03T17:25:00.000Z

He's at it again

2006-03-03T08:16:00.000Z

What's 18 inches tall and stands at the end of a small childs bed?

Gary Glitters boots . . . .

Sorry about that. But he's a complete fucking c**t and needs to be shot in the face at close range - actually - i reckon drummer boy should be locked in his cell until he self combusts.

Jim and Edna

2006-03-02T11:55:00.000Z

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved
him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

Winwars ! excellent bit of .swf

2006-02-27T17:36:00.000Z

Loving this winwars swf i found whilst Stumbling! - I saw it ages ago and is fairly glassco - but worth a look if you havent seen the screengrab below - then click here

Celebrate March 20th - Steak And Blowjob Day

2006-02-24T16:17:00.000Z

Guys, you know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do love them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it.

Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 20th. Its like a perpetual love machine!

News just in from Bavaria

2006-02-23T11:58:00.000Z

A Bavarian village was flooded by liquid pig manure after a tank containing the fertilizer burst, German police said Wednesday. Sewage rose to 20 inches in the courtyards and streets of Elsa after gushing from the tank, which held some 240,000 litres of pig manure. "The village was swamped with green-brown liquid and it was pig manure -- the mother-of-all muck," said Rainer Prediger, a police spokesman in the nearby town of Coburg.

The second biggest spack in the world

2006-02-23T08:18:00.000Z

Is a little dwarven prick called CB - cant name and shame quite yet as quite frankly im bored of the twats name and anything to do with him - In short he owes me half a grand and has been fobbing me off for 3 weeks - Now the twat thinks i should not lock the chubb so he cant get in and let him get his stuff - Quite frankly he's dimented - All my colleagues, bosses and reliable contacts say i am in the right, bearing in mind there is NO paperwork to suggest he renting from me - all this aside its just a load of shite i could do without.

That aside i have cracked in a record month - currently sitting on 10,800k GP for the month - Very very nice indeed.

The most unpatient kid EVER

2006-02-22T09:48:00.000Z

As seen on Break.com
Absolutely the most brilliant case of PC tourettes ever witnessed EVER - I have watched this German freak lots and lots of times and every time i sit there in awe with my hand over my face staring in wonderment. Quite frankly unmissable. If for some mad reason your WinMedia center doesnt work properly then click here - trust me this is legendry

I thank you

Inspiration and words of wisdom for the whiners among us

2006-02-20T17:43:00.000Z

1. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
2. Do I look like a fucking people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39. And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

The Naomi 2006 worst pop awards results

2006-02-17T12:19:00.000Z

Westlife and Lisa Scott-Lee were among the winners at the Naomi awards, an alternative to the Brits, which give prizes for the worst acts in pop. The light-hearted awards, run by digital channel Music Choice, are voted for by music industry experts. Former Steps singer Scott-Lee won worst British female solo artist, worst British single and worst pop act.

Westlife picked up worst international album and group and outstandingly bad contribution to music. The awards are named after supermodel Naomi Campbell's short-lived music career. She released a single called Love and Tears in 1994.

Winners in full:

Worst British Male Solo Artist - Lee Ryan

Worst British Female Solo Artist - Lisa Scott-Lee

Worst British Album - Steve Brookstein, Heart and Soul

Worst British Single - Lisa Scott-Lee, Electric

Worst Attempt at Rock - Son of Dork

Worst Urban Act - Ms Dynamite

Worst Live Act - Babyshambles

Worst Pop Act - Lisa Scott-Lee

Worst International Male Solo Artist - Jack Johnson

Worst International Female Solo Artist - Jessica Simpson

Worst International Album - Westlife, Face to Face

Worst International Group - Westlife

Worst International Breakthrough Artist - Pussycat Dolls

Outstandingly Bad Contribution to Music - Westlife

Another record month ... possibly ?

2006-02-15T08:50:00.000Z

Im on the way to yet another record month - 3k on a 65'' plasma - and almot 10k on projectors / screens and lappys to a gov. body - im sharing that GP but hey all good! - JJN said he'd up me a ton if i hit 10k - so i'll see if i can get there.

Anyway - CB is getting massively on my nerves - cant go into details but i feel that an eviction is imminent - just hope H from Rbar is ok to take the twats place. All in all things are ok - getting an unusual amount of hits thru gooogle for AC - interesting on valentines day as well! - i wonder . . hmm

Valentines day - whats that then ?

2006-02-14T13:08:00.000Z

Good lord - roses everywhere - text messages flying about - bollocks to it all - the one person id send a card to isnt about anymore so fuck it - actually if im honest i dont give a flying shite anymore anyway - bored of 14th Feb - Maybe next year huh

anyway love to Laura, Bernie, Beckie, Becca, Nina, Claire, Tressa, **** (can't name you! you have a BF who may see this ! haha) and Louise.

At least my hoover buddy is having a good day - Thanks to MC

Best joke in the world - Probably

2006-02-10T08:17:00.000Z

My father told me that in life there is just one rule that you need to stick too which was "never shag a dwarf with learning difficulties"

Why i asked!

"Because its not big and its not clever son"

Fair enough!

With respect to the Muslim vs Danish row

2006-02-09T11:47:00.000Z

Thanks to Frogdoctor :) and B3TA

Suicide protester is actually drug dealer !

2006-02-07T10:42:00.000Z

His street name is Skinner.. and prison pals say he sold drugs for 'Muslim cause'

By Tom Parry And Oonagh Blackman, Political Editor. THE protester who dressed as a suicide bomber at a London demonstration is a convicted crack cocaine dealer.

Student Omar Khayam was jailed in 2002 for possessing the drug with intent to supply. A source claimed yesterday he vowed to sell drugs to help radical Muslim groups. The 22-year-old vowed to sell drugs to raise money for radical Muslim groups, it was claimed yesterday. A source who knew him in jail said Khayam - known to pals as Skinner - was influenced by extremists while locked up for drug offences.

The insider said: "He was a very quiet guy and would only ever speak out when he was with other extremists.

"He told people that he would use the money from drugs for the cause, meaning radical Muslim groups. He has obviously become even more radicalised since he got out."

Khayam - who apologised yesterday for dressing as a suicide bomber at a London demo - was jailed in 2002 for possessing crack cocaine with intent to supply. He was freed on parole last year after half his six-year sentence.

Season 2 League won by a mile

2006-02-06T08:19:00.000Z

Caption competition

2006-02-01T17:24:00.000Z

I ran this some months ago - and as i was browsing over some old pages that have had some freaky google searches, i thought id add it again to see what comes of it. So heres the piccy and i await your caption.

The best by the way gets a link for a month at the top of my homepage with a banner of your choice - Great !

o my my my

2006-01-31T17:48:00.000Z

What have i found here! - New site that i have found called 'You Tub e' posting videos of whatever and whomever - a little like google videos - but do you get to se this sort of stuff - I rest my case. I thank you

The weekend as entertained by Frank Butcher

2006-01-30T16:32:00.000Z

Did fek-all - i actually couldnt if i'm honest - went out after work on Friday with TW and ended up at a private party in Ryans - Bumped into CB and J from Warlingham - was a funny night - only one story i can let u lot read - These 3 absolute honies came to the door and the bouncers wouldnt let them in - when i say bouncers it was 2 young lads with clipboards - being the gent i am - i waltzed over and in a strong manly manner said 'Oi lads let the ladies in' - 'can't you see they just want a good time' as i peered around the door to let them in i noticed to my blind side a big fella in a long dark jacket, he leaned over in a very Frank Butcher fashion and lightly shouted in my ear ' And who the fuck are you, to let people in my daughters 21st birthday' - ' i see your point' i muttered and headed off to my pint - slightly smirking as i realised id been nabbed bigtime - and Frank had almost been gazumped.

2 more pints gulped and headed to the heaving dancefloor where it seemed like a fucking school disco - got the fuck off the dancefloor and headed back to the bar - TW was getting calls from da missus so he went and left me wobbling on a bar stool! Bad bad news - Got home and woke up Saturday day at 4pm - decided as i had no cash and CB hadnt paid my cash yet i went back to bed where i stayed until Sunday - Got up - Ate the contents of the freezer (what was left) and poured scorn on the twat of a flat-mate i have until Wednesday - when quite possibly i'll chuck his shit out. Good fekking riddance.

That was that . . bring on March . . Not Feb ! as im skint already! (thanks as ever to B3ta and Stoat for the image)

Brighton Road - near my apartment - 11pm at night

2006-01-27T08:52:00.000Z

Shikes horror what to do ?

2006-01-26T17:46:00.000Z

B3ta was down a large part of the day - why lord - o why did you punish me this way - What have i done to deserve such punishment - Why o why - Anyway having a great month - target has been smashed and all is good - PG is becoming more and more agressive daily - and he's entering the Croydon X-Factor competition that supports the local womens sanctuary for gods sake - im being forced to go and se Jo Brand at the Fairfield on the 28th Feb as well - Lord Jesus why do this to me - aaarghh

So what did i do whilst B3ta was borked - work - thats what i worked ! hows that for a day ! wooo

Off to space again :)

2006-01-26T08:29:00.000Z

Looking up all round - Thank God!

2006-01-24T08:25:00.000Z

First of all - Is anyone watching CBB at the moment and wondering why the fuck someone hasnt made Pete 'Bubble Lips' Burns a new hole in his face? Bloody annoying little cun* - Although i suppose if he wasn't about the house would be diluted and no fun - And while im on the subject - anyone else think Traci Bingham is hot as fuck? I fist thought she was a stuck up Yanky spaz but ive warmed to her - she seems very calme and gentle and God shes hot. Wow.

So anyway i had a house inspection on Saturday and all was well - She came in and ooo'd and aaar'd about how nice the place was - which is true - Then asked 'Is there anything up with the place?' obviously i said the windows are fucked and low and behold i got a call from the window people yesterday and its being sorted - with all the problems i had last week this is damn awesome i think. Abbey are looking into getting that cash back for me - im hopefull but on a good note the agents have accepted the payment terms amicably as they understand my problem. All good.

Im over target too - thus pay in Feb is good, and im also looking into evicting the current tennant for being a total assbandit.

My new friend

2006-01-20T08:23:00.000Z

Welcome to my newest buddy - Hyper-Upload - Yes my life IS that dull - im currently having a small personal breakdown - due to the mounting shit cu*t pressure ive been under - Broke the golden 'no drinking in the week' rul massively last night - polished off a bottle of red and started on another one. Feel absolutely awful this morning and feel doubly bad for calling JO and bareing my soul to the fool (not really a fool - its me who's the tit) - Wish i Wasnt here today - could do with being tucked up in bed and dieing.

Not sure where im going in life - not since the great news i had in the week - the bank havent called me or filled me in with the missing cash scenario as yet - and if im honest i dont think anything will happen or come of it - So that aside i had a text conversation with an old flame and wish i fucking hadnt - TIP - when your 2 thirds thru a bottle of red DONT call ya ex's or for that matter anybody of the opposite sex. Period.

Right im off to have a bad day - see ya

Paris Hiltons new shoes

2006-01-19T17:18:00.000Z

Im sure you will have seen this over the last few days - or maybe you havent - anyway it has to be blogged for it will go down in internet folklore - Paris has been pictured in tons of pretty awful positions and even filmed - and that shite program with Nicole Richie in the Simple Life really does make me laugh - They are just bimbo to the maximum - so mush that it hurts - and hopefully this should too.

Click the piccy to zoomify (SSFW - semi safe for work - once zoomed becomes NSFW)

TittyBangBang - Whats that all about ? ?

2006-01-18T11:51:00.000Z

Have you copped a load of BBC3's new TittyBangBang yet ? No ? well your missing out so click here and then read on

Yes ?! isnt it bluntly the most outrageous comedy you've ever witnessed - I mean there is that mad bloke - Don Peacock who keeps hiring escorts and then grabs up da boobies and asks them if he can pee on them - Mental - what is that all about - and tehn the two ladies in the National Health Trust called Parker and Harris - who chuck stuff at each other and whom i think begin a killing spre gainst each other - looks liek that could at least be fairly funny - Then theres the Italian Slovakian cleaner who keeps showing off and saying 'Im shy' and 'Dont look at me' pure mentalness - The twithching Darts ladies and then the best of the lot are the 'Shut Up Family' - who remind me of a family in Cowden who have 3 daughters and on occasion when ive been there for diiner -(when i was seing the middle daughter) used to constantly tell each other to Shup up - And she actually reminds me of here too - !!! Wooooo

If you dont have a clue what the hell im talking about then click here and watch next weeks episode 3 - Realplayer is needed

Pete Burns IS a wanker and i confirm he's (it's) an alien too

2006-01-18T08:48:00.000Z

And is it just me or does the top left look like Joanna Lumley ?

Thanks to WBA

Red Sky at night - does that mean i'm forgiven Lord ?

2006-01-17T17:01:00.000Z

One nice thing has happened today - i had a really nice red sky appear outside my window this afternoon. So with any luck it means all is forgiven and from tomorrow things will look Rosey again. They'd better anyway.

And just before you mosey on off to your cozy world - click on the photo and check in almost the middle of the photo to the right and you'll see the beginnings of what looks like twister - wooo

Interesting search

2006-01-17T14:18:00.000Z

Hmm - Interestingly someone's been searching google.co.uk for AC and left a trail of amusing page views . . I wonder if it could be who i think it could be - I mean how many people would search for 'that' name - and have 'that' IP address huh . . . O by the way if you know me, yo u KNOW who im talking about - If not - shame

Worst day of my life (for a very long time)

2006-01-17T13:05:00.000Z

If i could - i would list all the things that have gone wrong for me today - so instaed i'll paraphrase - I found out that 3 months of a lot of cash has been paid to the wrong person and i still owe it - My best customer was let down for the third time massively - (not my fault) another customer who was told they would get a machine today wont as its not be refurbed - A good friend wants some money off me that i honestly dont have - thus making me feel bad - Someone else has stolen from me - theres 2 weeks till payday - and my storage bill has hit 62 days overdue.

All in all im near to killing myself - its all a bit too much to handle - drinking doesnt solve anything - nor does hiding - so ive got an afternoon of negotiation to handle - im good at it so thats ok - its just that i cant really see the wood for the trees currently - and the woods are very very wooody - have a nice picture of what my brain feels like.

Feel free to wish me well in the next life wont you.

When history bites back

2006-01-16T09:09:00.000Z

My good mate Danny, whom i work with, has been a good mate for some time - recently married and has a little boy Freddy - Another good buddy from work JJN dug up an old photo of Danny and handed it to me this morning and i feel it necessary to show all of you, here, on my blog.

Please note Danny is now like myself - bald - and has been for some time - So how the HELL did he have all this hair at one time huh ! jesus christ. and just for the record - Dannys the microphone head who's holding the Burton bag - o and the photos nearly 20 years old now . . . makes me laugh how fashion has changed - pffft - btw - click here for an up to date of what Danny looks like.

Just to fill you in

2006-01-13T17:31:00.000Z

What a bloody excellent week ive had - cracked the no beers in the week thing - i feel full of energy totally relaxed and my game has exploded all over the place - its the 13th of the month and im 80% to target with 3 weeks to go - wooo

My work is good - i introduced a new arm to the firm - a telecommunications portal which should be rolled out in a few weeks - all good for me - my major account bought over 20k's worth of kit last week with a promise of more next month - what can go wrong - o yea a lazy 2 bob flatmate who doesnt wash up and nicks my food - punk !

anyway have a good un :)

Hmm - somethings up with this weeks issue

2006-01-13T17:26:00.000Z

Thanks to hugo-a-gogo for the art and of course the goats and kittens at B3ta

Silly nursery ryhmes - Adult style

2006-01-13T09:49:00.000Z

Mary had a little lamb. Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly Jill forgot her pill And now there's little Franky.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.

Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse and turned it's wool to nylon

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you dickhead.

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides And every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front ... but she didn't wear that one very often

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men said "F*ck him, He's an egg.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was funny that way.

Amazing - how did they know ?

2006-01-12T16:49:00.000Z

A South American Scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient sexual activity in their lives tend to read blog entries with their hand still on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off, it's too late....

Ron Jeremy see's Goatse for the first time !

2006-01-11T09:21:00.000Z

Now then now then - My followers may or may not have seen Goatse before - but just in case you havent then i'll explain - Mr.Goatse as he is now famously known is a naked old man bending over whilst having both hands ripping open his asshole - Great you may say - that sounds lovely - most of you may have turned off already - However some bright spark has decided to make a FlickR slideshow of all his Goatse virgin's - and before you throw up i mean he's going around with a picture of Goatse and showing people and taking their picture with the horrified expression on their face - An all time classic and definately worth a look - Heres Ron Jeremy (of pornfilm stardom - o and The Farm) looking stunned - Mrneutron i salute you sir!

Want to see the Goatse virgin slideshow? Click here - it's totally safe for work and just in case you havent seen the original Mr.Goatse then click here (VERY NSFW you have been warned)

For the umpteenth time

2006-01-10T17:28:00.000Z

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog. And yes ive tried deleting this post and then for some reason it deletes the html that installs (automatically) the code- So here it is and watch this space for some dramatic changes to my blog look - Ive been messin with stuff in the background and trying to find a happy medium between IE and Firefox - Guess what - IE's an absolute pig for coding.

SO just in case any of you lot fancy messin with your blog template - make sure before you change everything (like me) make sure IE likes it first - It does odd things with padding and layout - Check the source code - theres an IE hack in there and i can't make stuff work different - anyone who can help i'd be most appreciative.

So Happy New Year finally to a few of my loyal supporters - Mainly John and Tressa - Keep those comments coming guys - I hope to pick up a few more nutters on teh way this year - so whatever you do - leave a loving comment before you go

Gervais gets his balls sucked by Groening

2006-01-10T11:47:00.000Z

The Simpsons creator Matt Groening said Ricky Gervais did such a good job writing an episode of the hit US comedy show that he wants him to do more. The Office star wrote and appears in the episode, which is due to be screened next month. Groening said Gervais was good enough to be a regular character, according to the UK press. "He caught our tone exactly, and then added his own Ricky Gervais/David Brent patheticness," Groening said. "Everything you could ever possibly want from Ricky Gervais you get. "It's possible we'll collaborate again... he should be a regular character. In fact, he should have his own cartoon series."

Gervais' character in The Simpsons is based on David Brent from The Office sitcom. He moves into The Simpson household with Marge as the family take part in an episode of Wife Swap, while Homer moves in with his wife.

Vote Lib-Dem

2006-01-06T12:15:00.000Z

Feel a little bit sorry for dear old Charles Kennedy - bearing in mind im a reforming alchoholic myself - it must be fairly difficult to own up to a problem that you quite clearly refused to admit some months ago - and of course Charlie boy - you've been photographed sweating ya ass off on stage - a clear sign of booze abuse (trust me im an expert at sweating at any given moment) - So Zaks decided to make banner in honour of your drunken woeness - So thanks to Zak McFlimby for the piccy.

That aside - Who does actually fekking vote Lib Dem anyway huh?

And who the fuck wants to be leader of such a wimpy bunch of 'no-hope-of-ever-winning' the election losers. bored now. Bye

Might start a 'my lazy boring flatmate' blog !

2006-01-06T08:11:00.000Z

Apart from the fact that my foods getting eaten, the washing up aint getting done, and theres still a rubbish bag sitting outiside the sloth's room (for 4 days now) im tickedyboo - Mopped the front room wooden floor last night and behold, now your feet dont stick and you can see that the floors a light brown - brilliant - also i threw away an empty whisky and barcadi bottle, empty comfort bottle and an empty box of washing up tablets, 2 dead onions and orange and lots of empty packets of everything that CB seems to leave in his wake. Bored of it. like moaning at this is boring me - cant even be assed to moan about it to him.

And did you see the contestants in CBB2006 - O MY GOD - Dennis Rodman hahhaha, Michael Barrymore (YAY), Jodie Marsh (woohooo), Rula Lenska (boooo), Preston from the Ordinary Boys (who), Maggot from GLC (crap) Pete Burns (what a weirdo), Faria the affair ridden wotsit who nearly made Sven resign (booo) and Traci Bingham (mmmm) tasty my thoughts are reserved on her for the short term, she is an absolute beauty! George Gallaway who isnt my fave MP in the world but iu dont have anything actually against him - and he seems like he could be good fun! - O and some normal bird called Chantelle who has to make all the others beleive that shes a Celeb by Sunday or get chucked out - Must see TV short term just to see that shit.

So off to the weekend and my first available boozing night tonight - shall i get garmed up and hit Clapham or go straight from work to somewhere glum. DM gets paid so he might be out for once pffft . . Jasons up for booze as well - and so's the Wills - Feeling lucky this weekend i am - we shall see. Cheers to Biroart for the gif - he has a series of these and they are wicked - click on his image to see the site.

Yes its 2006 and GUESS what ive given up

2006-01-04T15:21:00.000Z

So faithful followers - I have been mostly lieing on my ass, watching the gogglebox - and what a fekking waste of energy that was - fek all on but crap old films and the occasional 5/10 like Ace Ventura - Which is really a classic altho his over the top acting does annoy the arse out of you after a short time (doesnt it you?) - Spent Xmas day at my old mans house - pictures on Flickr if your interested - My silly stepsister really annoyed me at the end of a good day - Her blokey gave her a really nice chain and pendant with matching earrings - i used to work in Tiffs so i know what i mean whan i say 'nice' Anyway she turned her fat nose up at it and said '' Have you the receipt - i wanna take them back'' all in one breathe - not even a pause and a quiet word afterwards in private - but in front of everyone ! What a cow (i could go on but my friends have had it all week)

So anyway as i was saying - duringthe xmas period my good buddy JO turned up unexpectedly and hijacked me for a beer at the Rectory at 2pm Wednesday-week. We swiftly necked a Kroney and decided to get the lads out for a trip to the Griffin Bar in Clerkenwell Road - Any hot blooded fellas from South/North London will know this dive as the pound a snatch bar - where less then clothed 'lady's' strip nekked and pole dance for 5 minutes and then ask for a pound in a beer glass before the next 'lady' comes on. Now by this time we are whacked out on beer and narcotics and decide to get a private dance - which by the way is only 15 quid ! wooooo - that done we decided to head off to the Ministry of Sound. 20 squid to get in - not likely - so head off again to Suttons famous Bar Room Bar where we grab a pint and knock back a cap of KE's stuff. Then (yep off again) back in the car and dive into Croydons Latino bar (which used to be Brannigans) where KE swiftly grabs some old beast and snogs it to near death - Some of us waltz over to the Black Sheep - its full of grungers and we head back to my yard for beer and to chill.

Several hours later CB gets up and asks for a beer and KE gets nasty and abuses his sexuality to a point that was rude as fek - however all being mushed up no-one got annoyed and CR did get his hood spashed on by that big minger that he pulled - We have film evidence of KE snogging a pink mohicanned JCB - and we intend to splash it all over the intenet - o and here !

The rest of the week consisted of getting over that night - i decided to stay the hell in on New Years - couldnt bear to do anything - Saved money and started the year completely sober - The London fireworks were clerarly the best in the world - don't let anyone tell you any different ! - So onto this year - its started well - with new year resolution being to give up the weekday booze - Im keeping it up as already ive found a much better work attitude and i feel energetic and full of beans - I don't even want a beer at the moment - the thought of it makes me ill. So far so good - wish me luck and how do ya like my new template huh ? needs a little debugging and i may get funky on the background - i used to have a script that rotated jpg's so i may give that a go and freak u lot out ! wooooo

The best thing for Blogs EVER !

2005-12-22T15:54:00.000Z

Click Play on the player to see the clip

I think (and correct me if im wrong) but i have found the best thing for my blog ever - You see theres a Viral store website called IFilm and they allow you to snag their player and all the Virals to play in the player for free - JUST CLICK THE MENU BUTTON - on the player and check all the options out!

A full 10/10 for that - and the only downside is that it might show you an advert or two for the privelage - big furking deal.

Dont you just love the B3TA

2005-12-20T14:52:00.000Z

Respect to eclechtech with this top top frontpage effort on B3TA - has to be one of the best comic genius gifs ever to grace my PC - endlessly funny and just bootiful ! Woooo - also the great and wonderful elechtech has devised a Festive Messenger for all ya mates here.

Absolutely brill remake of that tway James Blunts shitty song Your Beautiful (or Gullible!) here as well. Seriuosly good - i sat and watched it with my boss whos from NZ and he wet himself - literally!

What about Haggis hurl - not very festive but some great noises!

Anyway again i tip my hat off to Eclectech and suggest u get that fat ass over there for some fun . . . Woooooo

Good lord

2005-12-20T14:26:00.000Z

This is some lucky blokes girlfriend called ***** - and he has an account on FlickR - ages ago he came to my attention for a picture of a car (or something) - then the next one was a normal piccy of this fine honey - And today, because im bored like a just recently fed shark, (wtf?) i delved a little deeper into his piccys.

First thing i noticed was the lack of comments - so im guessing not many people get to see his stuff. And then i noticed he was making a card to send out to his friends - incorporating said girl. And here it is. . . Well there are 2 now - but you get the idea.

Forgive me lord for my sins - but i promise to make myself rich next year so i can afford a girl this good. Its about time Lord - Amen - o and Lord can you bring me the strength to give up them damned cigarettes a\nd booze please. Ta mate respect.

Not to sound like a scrooge - but . .

2005-12-20T14:04:00.000Z

Just decided im not sure that i like xmas at all. My family are all away apart from my Dad - so i'll be home from Boxing Day onwards until i go back to work. Great.

What are you doing over Christmas - and before you tell me - i wish you a very merry one :)

Traffic cones make great flamethrowers.

2005-12-20T13:43:00.000Z

I don't have any disasterous fire stories, just a bit of firey pyromaniac fun! After sawing off the top of a traffic cone, we sprayed copious amounts of deodorant and hairspray into the interior, and proceeded to light the thing.

The result was...interesting.

(Thanks to Meagle for the story)

Catch up on stuff this week and on teh weekend

2005-12-16T11:06:00.000Z

Loads to fill you lot in with - All week ive been thinking about the boozing in teh week issue - Ive decided since im looking to get snaffled up next year its time to grow teh fuck up and become a reall 'man' - yep its time to pack in the Xbox and take up teh gym - Stop going for 5 beers after work and go home and cook a nice meal for myself - and generally get more in tune with my career and carve out that niche that ive been threatening to do for some time. First things first though - i have to get over this weekend first.

Saturday night is company Xmas do night - there will be absolutely loads of us there - and when i say there, i mean Addington Palace. Its bloody nice there apparently - ive not been before but ive heard it lully - Its where they hold the 'Posh' dos occasionally - and ive seen the pictures and im impressed - Soooo - will or will i not get some action? I know who im up for - and frankly i think i have a chance of a sly fiddle - but will i get it or not ? hmmmm

So onto next week - JO is off to Andora somewhere on a snowboarding holiday the lucky fuck and so i have to cover his shit - I need to sort out a few install problems over the New Year in advance and obviously get my own GM calendar up to scratch and get my Yearly plan sorted so i can get ahead of this drive to be an adult that i have !

Other then that its the usual shit - chasing CB for the rest of this months rent ! why do i get such bad luck with flatmates huh ! - Its 16 days late and he owes me 275 quid - if i dont get it by the end of the weekend i feel i'll have to chuck his sorry ass out - i have no recourse really do i ? especially since hes a lazy son-of-a-bitch who has issues and no ability - and he hasnt ever given me a deposit. Shit what do i do?

Oh my God !!

2005-12-16T10:44:00.000Z

One of the gayest telephone answer messages ever heard !! If your from the UK and would like the number to call it and listen - please leave a comment and fill in the email addy so i can send you the last 3 digits ! fuc**ing hell !

ok so its ~ RING 07795 458***

O by the way dont worry its some blokes mobile phone - not a dialler number or scam thing - it came to me as its one of my buddy's mates number and he needs taking the piss out of !

Page rank code

2005-12-14T16:53:00.000Z

Il Ponte and beyond

2005-12-13T16:14:00.000Z

Tonight Samsung are taking us for a lully meal and a drinki and then home - Woo to that - Im taking me camera so those who know how to click the flickr logo thats somewhere on my blog can check out da fotos like. Wicked.

Small edit - - - Drinki was last night now - and here are da fotos - and im shocked and horrified at the mess we were all in! no really it was quite messy - but a real good laff!

Up to date stats for this shitty blog

2005-12-13T15:25:00.000Z

So here we go have a look at these - the last few months or so - Not bad for a meesly blog - I mean 130 approx hits a day aint bad - Most of them come from BE - but i suppose a lot of those come from misc search terms - i added some riske' page URL's and thats what tends to get me the random hits. But overall im pleased with the results so far.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind !

2005-12-13T10:46:00.000Z

What a cool bloody fim - i loved it - A bit 'Being John Malkovich' butr all the same a great film that reminds you that although memories can hurt and you wish they'd go away - on the most part you'd be worse off for not having them! Jim Carey and Kate Winslett give brilliantly holding performances that grab your attention and hold it tight - Kate being a fave of mine - i think shes lully - even in this film where she has blue hair and then red hair she looks great - Jim is seriuos 99 percent of the time - and he pulls it off briliantly.

A great film that is a little spooky in places but ends up happy and i loved it - 9/10 from me - Go and get it out !

The wrong sort of fire

2005-12-12T11:10:00.000Z

How typically 'english' - dont know if anyone outside of the UK have seen this - But a petrol storage facility (3 million gallons) decided to ignite and blow the shit out of most of the surrounding area quite near Hemel Hemstead - Shame really coz Hemel could do with a face lift - like a complete makeover - start from ground zero i say - However yesterday, whilst coooking (see last post) i went out for a cancer-stick and looked up at the sky and saw a smoky haze - Now Buncefield is exactly 59.1 miles away (see here) and i could see the smoke covering the blue sky in a transparent type vail.

So anyway the news was that 'its the wrong sort of fire' - dont have enough 'Affff' (the aqueous repelant they need) - Now im just thinking aloud here - but if you had 7 or 8 storage contatiners of 3 million gallons or so each nearby - you'd have thought that you may have a few tricks up your sleeve to put that shit out - bearing in mind that its also a good terror site! - OOOO no - no tell you what - 'We will let the blaze burn itself out' yea thats what we'll do - burn itself out and then try and extinguish it. Hell what else would you do huh ?

My Mum who lives very near to me as well - Actually heard the explosion - AlJazera.net claims that someone heard it in the Netherlands - Yea righto you just made that up - like everything else.

So anyway - my point is - Was it a terrorist attack? Im sure AlJazera would like us to worry that it is - and if it was an attack will the government own up to it? Do we care ? Do you care?

Jamie Oliver . . move the hell over !

2005-12-12T08:35:00.000Z

Ooo yes - My mums 60th birthday on Sunday, and i, Ruthlessjack, do declare, that i am a badbwoy chef. Roast Duck with Cherry compote and new potatoes was spot on man - yep - Even if i say it myself - Bloody outstanding i said - Thankfully nobody died whilst eating the wonderfully cooked duck breasta, and nobody choked on my excellently bolied new potatoes either. Loads of cherrys were murdered during the preparation and 2 red onions were taught a good lesson too.

So that aside - i also declare myself - 'Scrabble' king - i won by 40 points on the first game and lost by 1 point the second - down to a rogue 'X' in my tray that i could not rid of. My Mums got a pet Fox by the way - and a Magpie that likes to play with the fox - o and a cat that watches both of them eat on the lawn - Dont beleive me ? click here!

Apart from that - i got in at about 10pm and opened a lovely can of beer - and another and then listened to New Order on my headphones until my brain hurt. Which was fun. How was your weekend ?

Things you can only say during Christmas

2005-12-05T08:21:00.000Z

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20.Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

New template ?

2005-11-30T12:59:00.000Z

Thinking of a new template - i like this one quite a lot but im getting a bit bored - will start having a look about for something else - I quite like a plain boring text only one - but then i'd get bored as im .gif hungry and .jpeg friendly (as you can see) so i thought id leave it to you lot to make my mind up - Please vote and let me know what you think.

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com

Funny things happen at my company

2005-11-30T08:45:00.000Z

Known and then we get important people ringing up asking to be supplied with PC's or Plasma screens, that sort of thing - like last year - i was called up by none other then a staff member of The Prez of the USA himself George Bush jnr. Ended up supplying a copier for the visit to England that he planned. Was a right old strange encounter - being asked all sorts of secretive questions and asked if we had stock they could 'check' etc etc - very odd - So anyway i supplied the US Embassy a copier - So today a much more important bloke strolled in - being none other then Home J Simpson. Had to take a piccy of him with my colleague DS. hmm which is which?

One cool .wav

2005-11-29T17:27:00.000Z

Makes me laugh so hard a little bit of wee comes out . . enjoy here
Wanna hear a good sample from your favourite film? - i found this site - how cool is that ? One of my faves ? click this.

How about that then

2005-11-29T15:23:00.000Z

You know i gave blood - yea? - well turns out im AB+ - meaning only 3 percent of the world have the same blood group - i suppose thats quite bad in a way - not really a good thing that your bloods rare - unless of course someone bloody needs it - of course - so anyway im a holder of a lovely red donors card. become a donor here.

War of the 'soldiers of fortune' . . .

2005-11-29T08:50:00.000Z

Work has more then its fair share of testoserone filled men - full of hard-core banter and normal the air is red with blood and swearing - Now just occasionally this goes too far - for instance ** decided to show me the fuck up in front of the office - not just a little bit but because he knew he had an audience he went for the jugular - And boy did he strike hard - This strikes me as a tiny bit wrong - directors should know better then to rip the shite of of staff in front of people - period - thats why you have offices, and on this occasion, the shouldnt have done that shame rate was 10/10. (well done!)

So off i go to Amsterdam and yes of course the banter carries on with all sorts of shit flying around - in honesty im sick of the crap - the piss taking - the cronic roping of people - it seems that i am bit of an easy target - i make myself that of course - im too nice and yes i have a big bald head and slightly overweight - im 4 eyed and have no girlfriend - Who wouldnt take the piss - however . . .

Yesterday a close close mate of mine (who i work with) and who i thought i knew better, decided to take the piss in front of the 2 new guys im training (you know usual fat 4 eyed cun* stuff) - So when i rattled off a cuss back - he didnt like it - as i went straight for the jugular - i rattled off a personal comment about him not having the 'balls' to leave his bird - he got up and offered me out for a fight!! - needless to say i replied with 'grow up dude this aint a playground (or something) - and btw this is something he does in the office a lot - and secondly he hits on me a lot - thats wrong (i'm addressing this separately)

Knowing that ive had enough - i stood my ground in the meeting (this morning re last nights fraccar) and said that i was sorry and i crossed the line - but what was i to do ? - let him constantly rip the crap from me ? not reply ? be bullied ? NO WAY . .

The end result - i have a feeling that the normal playful banter that is normally acceptable in this office will end - and i will be singled out and not included in the playful stuff - just because the bullyboy cant handle his own medicine.

So anyone out there who is being bullied or has been, or is a bully - be aware - We can snap at anytime - you wont like it and you'll come off worse - trust me you will - To those who get grief at work or home, or wherever, be strong and stand up for your self and all will be ok - dont be fooled - the harder they think they are the harder they have to fall - and this person will find out teh hard way if he likes - I just might get some work done now . . . . Woo

Amsterdam was a bit much this year

2005-11-28T17:46:00.000Z

Got fucked basically - didnt feel well all day Sunday - and wanted to die bigtime in the airport - apart from that there was no gossip or any shit goings on - i fell asleep in the corridor outside my door - because one of the twots i was staying with didnt open teh damn door! Then i awoke having a pee in teh corner of the room - i hate that - cant find the loo in a strange place and u just go! -

Heres some photos from the weekend - Obviously no names mentioned - due to - well wives i think - more to follow - check my flickr site here. In fact now that im on the subject of FlickR - i received an email from support saying that i wasnt allowed an account anymore - due to my pictures being 'favourites' and not taken by my good self - I replied that they were talking bollocks and that over 80% i had taken 'so take a hike' and they did - woooo - however i hope im not counting my chickens too soon - i may just get a 'banned' message soon ! Hope you like the photos - :)

Good joke - bad man

2005-11-25T08:37:00.000Z

Vietnam have decided that there will be no Christmas lights this year.

They will only be hanging Glitter . . . Arf

o and one more - Whats yellow and runs on a 13 amp fuse?

yes its good old George Best . . . god rest your soul mate - let it go - the bell for last orders went ages ago !

(o and just for Quinnparker for pointing out on this occasion that i hadnt attributed a credit for the above animation - read teh comments below this post will you - before you go making accusations - i travelled to glasscocx and still couldnt find the origianl author - so apologies tyo those who give a flying fuck)

This may be in bad taste . . . but

2005-11-24T17:02:00.000Z

The chaps (nameley Fugative) at B3TA made this velly velly good gif for the nearly departed (edit - now deceased) Georgy Best - Cant help but post it - it is rather good dont you think - Not just a pun - but kinda nice too - So if you think im wretched or nasty or even just plain . . erm . . . rude i suppose - then chuck me a comment - i dont care much today - coz frankly ive had a complete arsehole of a day and im looking forward to a beer after work and half a bottle of whisky before beddybyes.

Chow now

Off to Amsterdam tomorrow ! woo

2005-11-24T12:05:00.000Z

Yep for 3 days im off to busy my face with bottles and bottles of Amstel and get completely fekked off me nut - looking forward to this for some time now - the fact that im in a bit of a bad mood is an understatement - saying goodbye to the opportunity of a new job has aggravated me - and just top harp on a bit - and explain - i just couldnt bear working with a cun* like PB - his a facist prick with no chin and the only reason ONLY reason he has a job is hes the bosses brother in law - all the girls think hes creepy - he generally hated and infamously boring as fuck - ive beaten him up once - it was play fight i might add - but it counts - if he decides to cause stress on my head again - i will stab a fork in the back of his Occipital Bone . . no word of a lie.

So on my way to Amsterdam i will be mostly drinking - and getting laid somewhere - im going to take my time to find a great looking beast and get the works - dont worry folks i will be 'hatted' up to the eyeballs - if im honest i'll probably bottle it - but i have good intentions. . well they aint 'good' intentions - i just may give it a go - i will see.

hmm - now im thinking more about it - Should i ? u know - lay with a proz ? - dunno where its been do i ? well u do - all over fucking Europe i imagine and further i expect - these girls get jobs all over the world - some of them - why dont i just get a nice 'hat-job' - that would be better i feel . . . dunoo what do you lot think ?

Coughing really is in bad taste

2005-11-24T11:38:00.000Z

Ive had enough of JN coughing hits guts up all over the office - wouldnt be so bad if he covered his fucking mouth at some point - even sat at my desk and coughed all over this effing keyboard - SL who sits opposite him is looking very sick - he has a tight throat and feels a chill - no doubt caught the germs! - he even said (JN) that if he has it 'then all the fuckers in here can have it too' - meaning us lot! - nice one mate.

One funny thing was that he was coughing so badly yesterday that he coughed a lens out of his eye - nice!

Fuck the new job

2005-11-23T17:36:00.000Z

Decided to fuck the new job - and stay in sales- i realised that i have to deal side by side with absolute twats as opposed to selling to them - The case of realizing that im better off with the devil i know instead of the devil i dont. PB gave me the insight to that - he really is a fucking twat - i would happily give my left teste to woop-up-side-his-ugly-flat face the twunt . . .

Sending an email now. Just means im staying here for now - obviously on borrowed time.

So heres a short story for you - Im the bloke on the right - happily standing in free space and enjoying life - then all of a sudden i see something dodgy - u know like a bird flying extremely fast in the wrong direction - then WHAMMM - im head first in the ground - eating teeth. Good stuff - Story of my life this year - but from the 1st of Jan next year - it wont be - trust me i wont be fucked with next year!

Join the 'Sunday League' online footy table

2005-11-23T08:41:00.000Z

So instead of trawling around B3TA every day now im hooked on Sunday League footy - click the banner and have a look - NOT YET - read the rest of my post first! - so anyway you obviously start at the bottom and work your way up thru the leagues to the premiership where i think u can win money - U can create leagues and stuff and basically get to do something half interesting with those hours and hours spent online at work. Cool

By the way my team is called Goatse 11 so just in case you want to sign up and play (as ive only just joined so it would be cool!) then u can ad me when u do it.

Dawn of the yawn

2005-11-21T09:56:00.000Z

Yep i did watch Dawn of the Dead and thought it was very yawnsome - Apparently the world has been taken over by zombies and everybody is dead and becoming a zomibie other then 8 or so american kids a cop and a gun shop owner - o yea also a pregnant women and a dog. Everybody else is a zombie - and somehow a mall in middle america (near to a coastline) is haven and cant be entered into by the zombies - fuck knows how . . .

So anyway it ends with a massive explosion and the survivors sailing off to an island where the zombies cant get to - Boring or what ? 5/10

Did you know?

2005-11-21T08:47:00.000Z

If you breathe out through your nose (not blow - but gently breathe) you can only feel the air of ONE nostril coming out! Check it now go on! - Now in 20 minutes do it again - The other nostril will be working ? How bloody weird is that !

Thanks to Chris Evans on OFI Sunday - 9/10 for the show Chris Well done !

I did ! I watched 50 first dates

2005-11-15T15:58:00.000Z

But i wont be again - I like Drew Barrimore - in fact i might stalk her if i ever get to America - but for now im gonna take the piss out of a film that quite frankly i wish i hadnt seen - it had laughable bits in - like the Happy Gilmore take off when the kids were on the golf course - and obviously the bits about the sons wet dreams - heh he ooo not too funny then - overall it made me feel very sad - i felt sad because because becaus. . . well because i still miss someone - and it was one of those break up get back together soppy ass mindpiss films we call really hate deep down. I liked Drew as the forgetful pyscho lovable sexmistress and Adam Sandler as the goofy idiot - Rob Schneider as teh whacked out shark bitten spliffhead twat with lots of kids with a fat bird. Sean Astin as the wet dreaming steroid injecting brother of Drew - I remember him from The Goonies - Aaaah.

It got a big 7.5/10 from me - i liked it - even if i wont watch this tripe again ....

I just gave blood for the first time

2005-11-15T15:04:00.000Z

Gave a pint of my beer fueled high iron blood - Me first time - and i didnt get a badge - only some orange and a biscuit - pfft - o and a card saying i should call the national blood service should i think im HIV or something - great stuff - nah only joking ! i did it as i was in hospital on the surgeons table for 6 hours last summer - im sure i used up some blood so its my turn to give some back - however - my mums due in hospital next year for a fairly risky op - twice - so theres another reason - So anyway if your from the UK and your up for being jabbed in the arm and sucked dry of blood then click here and find out what you can do for your country!

Getting into work this morning was shit!

2005-11-15T08:33:00.000Z

Firstly - just so you know - i'm NEVER late - In fact i have been known to get in at 7am - most mornings im here with a cup of tea at my desk - pc onand checking emails / quotes / whatever at 8am latest - however as i broke my leg some 7 months ago - LH has been bringing me to work - handy that - but she decided to go to Spain for 4 days with young KH (where the fuck has she gone to anyway!) - Lat Thursday i think she mentioned she'd be picking me up at 7.30 as there was a managers meeting - i forgot and waited as usual at 7.45 - no show - forgot me phone so i ran upstairs and got it - ran back downstairs and still not there - Jumped on a 455 to Caterham.

I jumped off again at Purley Cross and legged it (like a scalded 3 legged cat) up to the bus-stop - where i waited nearly 40 mins for the 289 - in the rain - next to a fast inside lane dual carriageway - where i saw 3 of my work colleauges fly by - WAVING ! yes fucking waving - Wasnt their fault if im honest - you cant stop anyway !

So eventually JO did get there and did stop and did get me to work - where we were locked out of the sales meeting - woooooo - still feeling the pressure from PH as we speak - my jobs getting bothersome - mistakes being made by all sorts of people and im not as happy as i should be - remember i said i might be looking on - i mentioned it again - 50/50 response so far. Is it th right time to move ? i'll do some more investigation.

I think this says it all really

2005-11-14T08:42:00.000Z

England striker Wayne Rooney has cited Peter Crouch as a major factor behind the astonishing comeback to beat Argentina 3-2 in Geneva on Saturday. Crouch came off the bench in the 81st minute as England, through Michael Owen, scored twice late on to win it. "Crouchy was brilliant when he came on in the second half," said Rooney.

"He was probably the main influence on us winning. For the crosses into the box, the defenders were worried about him - which created space for Michael." Crouch was booed when he came off the bench in the last international against Poland and has still not scored for Liverpool in 14 games since his £7m summer move. But Rooney added: "Over the past few weeks Peter has been given quite a bit of stick at times, but he's played well, kept his head down and worked hard.

Football related jokey pokey

A man had tickets to the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, a man comes down
and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says.
"The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the FA  Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in
the world, and not use  it?" He says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
FA Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967".
"Oh ... I'm sorry to  hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?" The man shakes his head. 

"No. They're all at the funeral."

I won an award !

2005-11-14T07:38:00.000Z

Yep albeit its a little odd - but i still won the 'most likely to be contacted from space' award from those good guys over at Blogs in Space - So head over now and sign up to be contacted NOW - you never know you could get an award like me! wouldnt that be just brilliant! What was that ? youy think im a loony - wanna have a go do ya - come on then !!

500 blogger posts (and other news)

2005-11-10T13:56:00.000Z

Yep 500 posts on Tales of the Unexpected 2, what about that then huh - seems like just yesterday that i started this incredibly odd story of my life and stuff that goes on in it - So that all started way back in December 2003 - started off with posting links and general rubbish really - and started to take it more serious in August 2004 - My first template was crapness - second one was ok - but i flogged it badly with scripts and crap that made it incredibly slow to load - and often it took over 30 secs! - not good as most of my trade comes thru BE - so got rid of that one and this is what it looks like now . . . great

So what have i been doing ? well CB's been good - got my suit dry-cleaned for me and stuff - dont know what i would have done without his help really so cheers buddy - i need the suit for a trade show i did at Fairfield Halls Croydon - It was ok - Just a small Chamber of Commerce meeting - got 4 or 5 decent leads and untold cards from weirdos and time wasters - Liz (an old mate) was there - she seemed overjoyed in seeing me again - which is weird - still she gave me mobile number - (im not going to call it) - shes a fricking nightmare - Her pal Lizzie was clearly pleased about showing all teh boys her big boobies - i love big boobies in a tight top - hmm i need a girlfriend . . . . they were quite awesome - not quite as bloody awesome as youngRH's in my office - jeeezus - absolutely brilliant - I tried to slide in with her ages ago - I got the 'i have a boyfriend tho' routine - 'So?' was my reply - the rest is quite embarrassing so i'll tell those who wanna know personally - i aint bloggin' it!

So back now at work - Im thinking of applying for a job - a new career - something slightly different - i know i'd be great at it - i do it all day anyway - had 15 years experience in it - so why not - anyway im getting a bit tired of selling - its not so much fun without shit loads of profit - so ive got the wheels in motion - see what happens.

2005-11-09T14:32:00.000Z

Bloody brilliant new gizmotoid being offered from FlickR - Basically you can now buy a poster size photo mosaic of all your photos - or sets - or photos you want (as you would pre-organise in a set) being i work in a Canon dealership i printed it off on the CLC3220 and it was cool - Not poster size but A2 and it woudl be something i would defiantely do if i wern't saving up for Amsterdam at the moment - Not just that - Its US based - So i wouldnt like to think how the print would look once its travelled 8000 miles over the big pond. Shame - However - You lot can have a play if you like - Click here to log yourself on to FlickR or here to goto Qoop's homepage.

Catching up before a long hard day

2005-11-09T08:32:00.000Z

Been not very good lately - nothing but going out and getting planked somewhere - which has to stop - im feeling ill and run down - Long nights in are on the cards watching telly - Lovefilm will help - and definately no more drinking - Im off to Amsterdam towards the end of the month so i'll have more then enough opportunity to drink myself into an early grave.

No seriously i've had enough - no more after work pints - no more 6 cans of Stella in front of San Andreas and no more Sunday night 'lets go to Escapades' enough is fucking enough. So with that in mind - here is my new diet.

Lots of water - healty(ish) eating during work hours - and definately nightly cookig of chicken, pasta and all things tasty and healthy(ish!) - Anyone got any suggestions for tasty and healthy(ish) food - I dont want to or need to lose weight - im happy about myself - i just would like some energy back - i feel lethargic and generally down - not depressed just worn out . . Tress i know u can help me out - Brain food is what i need - and my goal is to produce healthy coloured floating poo's. (sorry for that)

Anyway - onto a lighter note - Watched Fargo - which as i remember when watching Channel4's best films of all-time it reached the Top10 -(im checking google as i write this brb) . . . . . ok then i'm talking bollocks - im sure it was high in someones favourite film list - but not this one.

So anyway - it was a mild mannered 18 certificate with occasional bloodshed / violoence - but nothing your mother in law hasnt seen before - Tongue in cheek acting from the great William Macy and Steve Buscemi with some odd goings on in the middle of Fargo - Its snowy and no fucker lives there as far as i can fathom - Apart from the lady cop who takes it upon herself to solve the crime of a dead cop - See piccy and the missing car from the lot - its all of course been dreamt up by Macy's character - whos been messing with the figures on his car showroom that he manages - he gets a call saying that h/o need a written letter confirming the 320,000 dollars worth of motors that hes clearly not sold - so he devises a plan to get his wife kidnapped - Enter Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare ( remember him in Armegeddon ? as the nutty Russian cosmonaut?) So what does it get as a score from me ?? 7/10 worth a watch but not 9 quid at HMV.

And a late entry to todays post by young John from Sunderland - Nice one buddy - Anyone wonder what the fuck thats all about ? My beef never looks like that . . tsk (btw click the piccy for a closer look - its SFW by the way but only just!)

Play gonzo flying game - (its a laugh sort-of)

2005-11-09T05:16:00.000Z

Its no that bad really - The noises are just brill - Apart from that its no different from those stupid Penguin killing games that are about. . Snoredom - So anyway back to gonzo - I was that bored by it that i decided to make a gif of him flying - Why ?

So if you really have a load of time on your hands and you feel like falling asleep on your desk - then give Gonzo a click - My best score was 3234 or something - it was that crap that i cant remember. Score for the game - do i have to ? bleugh 3/10 and thats generous

Good lord

2005-11-07T15:36:00.000Z

Im sure you lot are in tune with words - So when i say Pink Taco - what comes to mind ? - how about Camel Toe - Yup i thought you'd might get that one at least - so when i came across this photo - and forgive me but i forget whos blog it was - i shuddered - Loo at the state of that! she must be getting some serious burnage there - Seriously blooody painfull that surely! Click for a closer viwe by that way.

On other items - I got bloody wankered on a Sunday - again! great stuff - met DS for a beer went to his ma's food - went to his, played GT on projector - that was nutty - went to pub and saw Chelsea lose to Man U - chatted up some floozies - CB came out to play - went into Croydon (Milan Bar) more booze and then went to Escapade - which was actually pretty good - got spanked hard - and nearly broke my leg again break dancing with DS - Yep u heard it ! Lost CB and got home - he had the stereo up full whack and was whining on about leaving the twat behind - truth is we lost him and was no-where to be seen. Thought he'd peeled off with someone . . woke up drunk - fell like shit - guess where im going in a min!

Isn't the world massive !

2005-11-07T13:24:00.000Z

I've never thought i was well travelled coz frankly i like being at home - but when my old pal John showed me this map thingy - It makes the world look huge - I mean it took 5 hours to fly to Turkey! and its only just round the corner on this map! - Theres no Canary Islands for some reason - So theres no red spot in the middle of the Atlantic - Makes me think ive literally been no-where on this planet - shit.

Create your own map

Lemony Snickets and the series of unfortunate events

2005-11-04T16:40:00.000Z

2 words to describe this film - 'Bloody odd' - Jim Carey was odd and kinda unfunny - unlike his previous incarnations - Billy Connolly played a good guy - and did a good job too - Meryl Streep played an uptight mad woman - and did a good job - I think the best actress was Sunny - The 2 year old who bit everything - Very cute and with occasional funny quips - The fat bloke from Auf Weidersehen Pet was ok - i think hes been in a few films recently - Overall it was a nicey nice haloween type film that was slightly crap but yet enjoyable - 5/10 have a good one everyone :)

Soldiers of Fortune

2005-11-03T17:11:00.000Z

Another work related post - Our new colleague PH came up with a good idea to get a decent team name togethe- There is already the 'Dream Team' who technically do the most business due to them snaffling all the colour leads up - we called ourselves the 'Nightmare Squad' - which really wasnt musch of a comeback name - We thought of 'Team Goatse' again a little suspect - So instead we call ourselves
And heres a piccy of the sales board we made up - Kinda childish but that really is what we are like - Grown up children - On a plus point we play the theme tune all day - thanks to my bass booming speakers and annoy the fuck out of the rest of the office - Woo to that !

'JOKE' ALERT - -I'll go and sit in the corner right away . .

2005-11-03T13:49:00.000Z

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

We sing for prizes

2005-11-03T09:36:00.000Z

I work for a funny bunch of louts here - We all sell business equipment and get sponsored and incentified by 4 of the worlds best known and powerful manufacturers. So when it comes to giving out prizes there are no end of ways to find out the men from the boys - one of those ways being Karioke of course. I wont break your ears with sound of what was going on bu you can see for your self that we were having a rather good time - I called TM so she could hear the wailings - yes wailings! Madonna - Like a Virgin was sung and Daniel Beddingfield - why does my heart was also sung - Both highly hilarious - Twas all done thru a playstation2 and a game called "Singstar" introduced by the man Maxfield. All good !

Resist the ID card

2005-11-02T16:01:00.000Z

Just seems like a good idea - so i did - and so should you - Look it just isnt right to sign away your rights as UK citizens to allow a slightly frightening way to look at our bank details who we are - where we have gone and all that - o what do i care . . . Sign up - if your bored like me - it means bugga all anyway!