Wednesday, November 30, 2005

New template ?

Thinking of a new template - i like this one quite a lot but im getting a bit bored - will start having a look about for something else - I quite like a plain boring text only one - but then i'd get bored as im .gif hungry and .jpeg friendly (as you can see) so i thought id leave it to you lot to make my mind up - Please vote and let me know what you think.


Funny things happen at my company

Known and then we get important people ringing up asking to be supplied with PC's or Plasma screens, that sort of thing - like last year - i was called up by none other then a staff member of The Prez of the USA himself George Bush jnr. Ended up supplying a copier for the visit to England that he planned. Was a right old strange encounter - being asked all sorts of secretive questions and asked if we had stock they could 'check' etc etc - very odd - So anyway i supplied the US Embassy a copier - So today a much more important bloke strolled in - being none other then Home J Simpson. Had to take a piccy of him with my colleague DS. hmm which is which?

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

One cool .wav

Makes me laugh so hard a little bit of wee comes out . . enjoy here
Wanna hear a good sample from your favourite film? - i found this site - how cool is that ? One of my faves ? click this.

How about that then

You know i gave blood - yea? - well turns out im AB+ - meaning only 3 percent of the world have the same blood group - i suppose thats quite bad in a way - not really a good thing that your bloods rare - unless of course someone bloody needs it - of course - so anyway im a holder of a lovely red donors card. become a donor here.

War of the 'soldiers of fortune' . . .

Work has more then its fair share of testoserone filled men - full of hard-core banter and normal the air is red with blood and swearing - Now just occasionally this goes too far - for instance ** decided to show me the fuck up in front of the office - not just a little bit but because he knew he had an audience he went for the jugular - And boy did he strike hard - This strikes me as a tiny bit wrong - directors should know better then to rip the shite of of staff in front of people - period - thats why you have offices, and on this occasion, the shouldnt have done that shame rate was 10/10. (well done!)

So off i go to Amsterdam and yes of course the banter carries on with all sorts of shit flying around - in honesty im sick of the crap - the piss taking - the cronic roping of people - it seems that i am bit of an easy target - i make myself that of course - im too nice and yes i have a big bald head and slightly overweight - im 4 eyed and have no girlfriend - Who wouldnt take the piss - however . . .

Yesterday a close close mate of mine (who i work with) and who i thought i knew better, decided to take the piss in front of the 2 new guys im training (you know usual fat 4 eyed cun* stuff) - So when i rattled off a cuss back - he didnt like it - as i went straight for the jugular - i rattled off a personal comment about him not having the 'balls' to leave his bird - he got up and offered me out for a fight!! - needless to say i replied with 'grow up dude this aint a playground (or something) - and btw this is something he does in the office a lot - and secondly he hits on me a lot - thats wrong (i'm addressing this separately)

Knowing that ive had enough - i stood my ground in the meeting (this morning re last nights fraccar) and said that i was sorry and i crossed the line - but what was i to do ? - let him constantly rip the crap from me ? not reply ? be bullied ? NO WAY . .

The end result - i have a feeling that the normal playful banter that is normally acceptable in this office will end - and i will be singled out and not included in the playful stuff - just because the bullyboy cant handle his own medicine.

So anyone out there who is being bullied or has been, or is a bully - be aware - We can snap at anytime - you wont like it and you'll come off worse - trust me you will - To those who get grief at work or home, or wherever, be strong and stand up for your self and all will be ok - dont be fooled - the harder they think they are the harder they have to fall - and this person will find out teh hard way if he likes - I just might get some work done now . . . . Woo

Monday, November 28, 2005

Amsterdam was a bit much this year

Got fucked basically - didnt feel well all day Sunday - and wanted to die bigtime in the airport - apart from that there was no gossip or any shit goings on - i fell asleep in the corridor outside my door - because one of the twots i was staying with didnt open teh damn door! Then i awoke having a pee in teh corner of the room - i hate that - cant find the loo in a strange place and u just go! -

Heres some photos from the weekend - Obviously no names mentioned - due to - well wives i think - more to follow - check my flickr site here. In fact now that im on the subject of FlickR - i received an email from support saying that i wasnt allowed an account anymore - due to my pictures being 'favourites' and not taken by my good self - I replied that they were talking bollocks and that over 80% i had taken 'so take a hike' and they did - woooo - however i hope im not counting my chickens too soon - i may just get a 'banned' message soon ! Hope you like the photos - :)

Friday, November 25, 2005

Good joke - bad man

Vietnam have decided that there will be no Christmas lights this year.


They will only be hanging Glitter . . . Arf

o and one more - Whats yellow and runs on a 13 amp fuse?

yes its good old George Best . . . god rest your soul mate - let it go - the bell for last orders went ages ago !

(o and just for Quinnparker for pointing out on this occasion that i hadnt attributed a credit for the above animation - read teh comments below this post will you - before you go making accusations - i travelled to glasscocx and still couldnt find the origianl author - so apologies tyo those who give a flying fuck)

Thursday, November 24, 2005

This may be in bad taste . . . but

The chaps (nameley Fugative) at B3TA made this velly velly good gif for the nearly departed (edit - now deceased) Georgy Best - Cant help but post it - it is rather good dont you think - Not just a pun - but kinda nice too - So if you think im wretched or nasty or even just plain . . erm . . . rude i suppose - then chuck me a comment - i dont care much today - coz frankly ive had a complete arsehole of a day and im looking forward to a beer after work and half a bottle of whisky before beddybyes.

Chow now

Off to Amsterdam tomorrow ! woo

Yep for 3 days im off to busy my face with bottles and bottles of Amstel and get completely fekked off me nut - looking forward to this for some time now - the fact that im in a bit of a bad mood is an understatement - saying goodbye to the opportunity of a new job has aggravated me - and just top harp on a bit - and explain - i just couldnt bear working with a cun* like PB - his a facist prick with no chin and the only reason ONLY reason he has a job is hes the bosses brother in law - all the girls think hes creepy - he generally hated and infamously boring as fuck - ive beaten him up once - it was play fight i might add - but it counts - if he decides to cause stress on my head again - i will stab a fork in the back of his Occipital Bone . . no word of a lie.

So on my way to Amsterdam i will be mostly drinking - and getting laid somewhere - im going to take my time to find a great looking beast and get the works - dont worry folks i will be 'hatted' up to the eyeballs - if im honest i'll probably bottle it - but i have good intentions. . well they aint 'good' intentions - i just may give it a go - i will see.

hmm - now im thinking more about it - Should i ? u know - lay with a proz ? - dunno where its been do i ? well u do - all over fucking Europe i imagine and further i expect - these girls get jobs all over the world - some of them - why dont i just get a nice 'hat-job' - that would be better i feel . . . dunoo what do you lot think ?

Coughing really is in bad taste

Ive had enough of JN coughing hits guts up all over the office - wouldnt be so bad if he covered his fucking mouth at some point - even sat at my desk and coughed all over this effing keyboard - SL who sits opposite him is looking very sick - he has a tight throat and feels a chill - no doubt caught the germs! - he even said (JN) that if he has it 'then all the fuckers in here can have it too' - meaning us lot! - nice one mate.

One funny thing was that he was coughing so badly yesterday that he coughed a lens out of his eye - nice!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Fuck the new job

Decided to fuck the new job - and stay in sales- i realised that i have to deal side by side with absolute twats as opposed to selling to them - The case of realizing that im better off with the devil i know instead of the devil i dont. PB gave me the insight to that - he really is a fucking twat - i would happily give my left teste to woop-up-side-his-ugly-flat face the twunt . . .

Sending an email now. Just means im staying here for now - obviously on borrowed time.

So heres a short story for you - Im the bloke on the right - happily standing in free space and enjoying life - then all of a sudden i see something dodgy - u know like a bird flying extremely fast in the wrong direction - then WHAMMM - im head first in the ground - eating teeth. Good stuff - Story of my life this year - but from the 1st of Jan next year - it wont be - trust me i wont be fucked with next year!

Join the 'Sunday League' online footy table

So instead of trawling around B3TA every day now im hooked on Sunday League footy - click the banner and have a look - NOT YET - read the rest of my post first! - so anyway you obviously start at the bottom and work your way up thru the leagues to the premiership where i think u can win money - U can create leagues and stuff and basically get to do something half interesting with those hours and hours spent online at work. Cool

By the way my team is called Goatse 11 so just in case you want to sign up and play (as ive only just joined so it would be cool!) then u can ad me when u do it.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Dawn of the yawn

Yep i did watch Dawn of the Dead and thought it was very yawnsome - Apparently the world has been taken over by zombies and everybody is dead and becoming a zomibie other then 8 or so american kids a cop and a gun shop owner - o yea also a pregnant women and a dog. Everybody else is a zombie - and somehow a mall in middle america (near to a coastline) is haven and cant be entered into by the zombies - fuck knows how . . .

So anyway it ends with a massive explosion and the survivors sailing off to an island where the zombies cant get to - Boring or what ? 5/10

Did you know?

If you breathe out through your nose (not blow - but gently breathe) you can only feel the air of ONE nostril coming out! Check it now go on! - Now in 20 minutes do it again - The other nostril will be working ? How bloody weird is that !

Thanks to Chris Evans on OFI Sunday - 9/10 for the show Chris Well done !

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I did ! I watched 50 first dates

But i wont be again - I like Drew Barrimore - in fact i might stalk her if i ever get to America - but for now im gonna take the piss out of a film that quite frankly i wish i hadnt seen - it had laughable bits in - like the Happy Gilmore take off when the kids were on the golf course - and obviously the bits about the sons wet dreams - heh he ooo not too funny then - overall it made me feel very sad - i felt sad because because becaus. . . well because i still miss someone - and it was one of those break up get back together soppy ass mindpiss films we call really hate deep down. I liked Drew as the forgetful pyscho lovable sexmistress and Adam Sandler as the goofy idiot - Rob Schneider as teh whacked out shark bitten spliffhead twat with lots of kids with a fat bird. Sean Astin as the wet dreaming steroid injecting brother of Drew - I remember him from The Goonies - Aaaah.

It got a big 7.5/10 from me - i liked it - even if i wont watch this tripe again ....

I just gave blood for the first time

Gave a pint of my beer fueled high iron blood - Me first time - and i didnt get a badge - only some orange and a biscuit - pfft - o and a card saying i should call the national blood service should i think im HIV or something - great stuff - nah only joking ! i did it as i was in hospital on the surgeons table for 6 hours last summer - im sure i used up some blood so its my turn to give some back - however - my mums due in hospital next year for a fairly risky op - twice - so theres another reason - So anyway if your from the UK and your up for being jabbed in the arm and sucked dry of blood then click here and find out what you can do for your country!

Getting into work this morning was shit!

Firstly - just so you know - i'm NEVER late - In fact i have been known to get in at 7am - most mornings im here with a cup of tea at my desk - pc onand checking emails / quotes / whatever at 8am latest - however as i broke my leg some 7 months ago - LH has been bringing me to work - handy that - but she decided to go to Spain for 4 days with young KH (where the fuck has she gone to anyway!) - Lat Thursday i think she mentioned she'd be picking me up at 7.30 as there was a managers meeting - i forgot and waited as usual at 7.45 - no show - forgot me phone so i ran upstairs and got it - ran back downstairs and still not there - Jumped on a 455 to Caterham.

I jumped off again at Purley Cross and legged it (like a scalded 3 legged cat) up to the bus-stop - where i waited nearly 40 mins for the 289 - in the rain - next to a fast inside lane dual carriageway - where i saw 3 of my work colleauges fly by - WAVING ! yes fucking waving - Wasnt their fault if im honest - you cant stop anyway !

So eventually JO did get there and did stop and did get me to work - where we were locked out of the sales meeting - woooooo - still feeling the pressure from PH as we speak - my jobs getting bothersome - mistakes being made by all sorts of people and im not as happy as i should be - remember i said i might be looking on - i mentioned it again - 50/50 response so far. Is it th right time to move ? i'll do some more investigation.

Monday, November 14, 2005

I think this says it all really

England striker Wayne Rooney has cited Peter Crouch as a major factor behind the astonishing comeback to beat Argentina 3-2 in Geneva on Saturday. Crouch came off the bench in the 81st minute as England, through Michael Owen, scored twice late on to win it. "Crouchy was brilliant when he came on in the second half," said Rooney.

"He was probably the main influence on us winning. For the crosses into the box, the defenders were worried about him - which created space for Michael." Crouch was booed when he came off the bench in the last international against Poland and has still not scored for Liverpool in 14 games since his £7m summer move. But Rooney added: "Over the past few weeks Peter has been given quite a bit of stick at times, but he's played well, kept his head down and worked hard.

Football related jokey pokey

A man had tickets to the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, a man comes down
and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says.
"The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in
the world, and not use it?" He says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
FA Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967".
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?" The man shakes his head.

"No. They're all at the funeral."

I won an award !

Yep albeit its a little odd - but i still won the 'most likely to be contacted from space' award from those good guys over at Blogs in Space - So head over now and sign up to be contacted NOW - you never know you could get an award like me! wouldnt that be just brilliant! What was that ? youy think im a loony - wanna have a go do ya - come on then !!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

500 blogger posts (and other news)

Yep 500 posts on Tales of the Unexpected 2, what about that then huh - seems like just yesterday that i started this incredibly odd story of my life and stuff that goes on in it - So that all started way back in December 2003 - started off with posting links and general rubbish really - and started to take it more serious in August 2004 - My first template was crapness - second one was ok - but i flogged it badly with scripts and crap that made it incredibly slow to load - and often it took over 30 secs! - not good as most of my trade comes thru BE - so got rid of that one and this is what it looks like now . . . great

So what have i been doing ? well CB's been good - got my suit dry-cleaned for me and stuff - dont know what i would have done without his help really so cheers buddy - i need the suit for a trade show i did at Fairfield Halls Croydon - It was ok - Just a small Chamber of Commerce meeting - got 4 or 5 decent leads and untold cards from weirdos and time wasters - Liz (an old mate) was there - she seemed overjoyed in seeing me again - which is weird - still she gave me mobile number - (im not going to call it) - shes a fricking nightmare - Her pal Lizzie was clearly pleased about showing all teh boys her big boobies - i love big boobies in a tight top - hmm i need a girlfriend . . . . they were quite awesome - not quite as bloody awesome as youngRH's in my office - jeeezus - absolutely brilliant - I tried to slide in with her ages ago - I got the 'i have a boyfriend tho' routine - 'So?' was my reply - the rest is quite embarrassing so i'll tell those who wanna know personally - i aint bloggin' it!

So back now at work - Im thinking of applying for a job - a new career - something slightly different - i know i'd be great at it - i do it all day anyway - had 15 years experience in it - so why not - anyway im getting a bit tired of selling - its not so much fun without shit loads of profit - so ive got the wheels in motion - see what happens.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Bloody brilliant new gizmotoid being offered from FlickR - Basically you can now buy a poster size photo mosaic of all your photos - or sets - or photos you want (as you would pre-organise in a set) being i work in a Canon dealership i printed it off on the CLC3220 and it was cool - Not poster size but A2 and it woudl be something i would defiantely do if i wern't saving up for Amsterdam at the moment - Not just that - Its US based - So i wouldnt like to think how the print would look once its travelled 8000 miles over the big pond. Shame - However - You lot can have a play if you like - Click here to log yourself on to FlickR or here to goto Qoop's homepage.

Catching up before a long hard day

Been not very good lately - nothing but going out and getting planked somewhere - which has to stop - im feeling ill and run down - Long nights in are on the cards watching telly - Lovefilm will help - and definately no more drinking - Im off to Amsterdam towards the end of the month so i'll have more then enough opportunity to drink myself into an early grave.

No seriously i've had enough - no more after work pints - no more 6 cans of Stella in front of San Andreas and no more Sunday night 'lets go to Escapades' enough is fucking enough. So with that in mind - here is my new diet.

Lots of water - healty(ish) eating during work hours - and definately nightly cookig of chicken, pasta and all things tasty and healthy(ish!) - Anyone got any suggestions for tasty and healthy(ish) food - I dont want to or need to lose weight - im happy about myself - i just would like some energy back - i feel lethargic and generally down - not depressed just worn out . . Tress i know u can help me out - Brain food is what i need - and my goal is to produce healthy coloured floating poo's. (sorry for that)

Anyway - onto a lighter note - Watched Fargo - which as i remember when watching Channel4's best films of all-time it reached the Top10 -(im checking google as i write this brb) . . . . . ok then i'm talking bollocks - im sure it was high in someones favourite film list - but not this one.

So anyway - it was a mild mannered 18 certificate with occasional bloodshed / violoence - but nothing your mother in law hasnt seen before - Tongue in cheek acting from the great William Macy and Steve Buscemi with some odd goings on in the middle of Fargo - Its snowy and no fucker lives there as far as i can fathom - Apart from the lady cop who takes it upon herself to solve the crime of a dead cop - See piccy and the missing car from the lot - its all of course been dreamt up by Macy's character - whos been messing with the figures on his car showroom that he manages - he gets a call saying that h/o need a written letter confirming the 320,000 dollars worth of motors that hes clearly not sold - so he devises a plan to get his wife kidnapped - Enter Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare ( remember him in Armegeddon ? as the nutty Russian cosmonaut?) So what does it get as a score from me ?? 7/10 worth a watch but not 9 quid at HMV.

And a late entry to todays post by young John from Sunderland - Nice one buddy - Anyone wonder what the fuck thats all about ? My beef never looks like that . . tsk (btw click the piccy for a closer look - its SFW by the way but only just!)

Play gonzo flying game - (its a laugh sort-of)


Its no that bad really - The noises are just brill - Apart from that its no different from those stupid Penguin killing games that are about. . Snoredom - So anyway back to gonzo - I was that bored by it that i decided to make a gif of him flying - Why ?

So if you really have a load of time on your hands and you feel like falling asleep on your desk - then give Gonzo a click - My best score was 3234 or something - it was that crap that i cant remember. Score for the game - do i have to ? bleugh 3/10 and thats generous

Monday, November 07, 2005

Good lord

Im sure you lot are in tune with words - So when i say Pink Taco - what comes to mind ? - how about Camel Toe - Yup i thought you'd might get that one at least - so when i came across this photo - and forgive me but i forget whos blog it was - i shuddered - Loo at the state of that! she must be getting some serious burnage there - Seriously blooody painfull that surely! Click for a closer viwe by that way.

On other items - I got bloody wankered on a Sunday - again! great stuff - met DS for a beer went to his ma's food - went to his, played GT on projector - that was nutty - went to pub and saw Chelsea lose to Man U - chatted up some floozies - CB came out to play - went into Croydon (Milan Bar) more booze and then went to Escapade - which was actually pretty good - got spanked hard - and nearly broke my leg again break dancing with DS - Yep u heard it ! Lost CB and got home - he had the stereo up full whack and was whining on about leaving the twat behind - truth is we lost him and was no-where to be seen. Thought he'd peeled off with someone . . woke up drunk - fell like shit - guess where im going in a min!

Isn't the world massive !

I've never thought i was well travelled coz frankly i like being at home - but when my old pal John showed me this map thingy - It makes the world look huge - I mean it took 5 hours to fly to Turkey! and its only just round the corner on this map! - Theres no Canary Islands for some reason - So theres no red spot in the middle of the Atlantic - Makes me think ive literally been no-where on this planet - shit.



Create your own map

Friday, November 04, 2005

Lemony Snickets and the series of unfortunate events

2 words to describe this film - 'Bloody odd' - Jim Carey was odd and kinda unfunny - unlike his previous incarnations - Billy Connolly played a good guy - and did a good job too - Meryl Streep played an uptight mad woman - and did a good job - I think the best actress was Sunny - The 2 year old who bit everything - Very cute and with occasional funny quips - The fat bloke from Auf Weidersehen Pet was ok - i think hes been in a few films recently - Overall it was a nicey nice haloween type film that was slightly crap but yet enjoyable - 5/10 have a good one everyone :)

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Soldiers of Fortune

Another work related post - Our new colleague PH came up with a good idea to get a decent team name togethe- There is already the 'Dream Team' who technically do the most business due to them snaffling all the colour leads up - we called ourselves the 'Nightmare Squad' - which really wasnt musch of a comeback name - We thought of 'Team Goatse' again a little suspect - So instead we call ourselves
And heres a piccy of the sales board we made up - Kinda childish but that really is what we are like - Grown up children - On a plus point we play the theme tune all day - thanks to my bass booming speakers and annoy the fuck out of the rest of the office - Woo to that !

'JOKE' ALERT - -I'll go and sit in the corner right away . .

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

We sing for prizes

I work for a funny bunch of louts here - We all sell business equipment and get sponsored and incentified by 4 of the worlds best known and powerful manufacturers. So when it comes to giving out prizes there are no end of ways to find out the men from the boys - one of those ways being Karioke of course. I wont break your ears with sound of what was going on bu you can see for your self that we were having a rather good time - I called TM so she could hear the wailings - yes wailings! Madonna - Like a Virgin was sung and Daniel Beddingfield - why does my heart was also sung - Both highly hilarious - Twas all done thru a playstation2 and a game called "Singstar" introduced by the man Maxfield. All good !

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Resist the ID card

Click here to sign the no2id pledge




Just seems like a good idea - so i did - and so should you - Look it just isnt right to sign away your rights as UK citizens to allow a slightly frightening way to look at our bank details who we are - where we have gone and all that - o what do i care . . . Sign up - if your bored like me - it means bugga all anyway!

Photographer of the year award

Well if im honest im not that impressed with the finalists - I have a sneaky feeling i could have taken a better piccy standing in a the mens toilet at battersea dogs home then some of the entries. Saying that - what the f*ck do i know? I mean all these arty-farty types who go to the Tate modern or who go to these self-obsessed fashion shows. So anyway head over here and tell me what YOU think - frankly like i said im not that impressed.

So onto other news - Yesterday the lads went canvassing and 1 or 2 of them did 7 calls in 2 hours ! yep 7 - whereas the 2 oldies of the day did 26 i think and teh last set of pillocks did 32. I offered out due to sore leg and the fact i can make 30 calls in 1 hour and get the same leads. Which i did. Thats boring. O joy - my most unfavourite member of my company has just walked in - what a boring cu*t - Some of the others are having a blitz day and are dressing up foolishly - Phil looks the best and ive posted a piccy of him . . . dear o dear o dear!

Apart from that my beloved Chelsea lost a game of footy for once (against Real Betis) - doesnt matter tho - quite frankly it will only stir up more vengence and brew strength within the Mourinho stable - Every team has a blip and this is the one that was due. Didnt watch the game i was too busy trying to get my head round Driv3r - and in fact i did - the gameplay is a bit suspect - the main character moves really badly - How on earth they can throw jokes at San Andreas i dont know - But hey.