Monday, October 31, 2005

Taking lives with White Noise

The last bucnch of DVD's from Lovefilm.com, were in my opinion, not too bad and definately worth the 15 quid i spend amonth for unlimited rentals. The first film i watched this dreary weekend was "Talking Lives"- Story was about a young lad who got the taste for killing and then taking on that persons identity. Angelina Jolie and Kiefer Sutherland were the two actors i knew best of all bust was treated to a great performance by Ethan Hawke. Overall not bad - not scary but quite entertaining - with a great sex scene involving lots of naked Jolie - the end was a tad lame - and the stabbing into Jolies imaginery baby was frightening until we learnt it was a fake. Overall 6/10.

Now then onto White Noise - Woooo - not since Jaws when i was about 6 have i hidden behind a duvet cover for most of the film - its scary jumpy and downright goosebumplingly edgy. I shit myself and hid every time Michael Keaton decided to turn his bloody TV on and mis-tune it and stare rather evily into the white noise - The way the film makes you jump is simular to What lies beneath when she sees the dead womans face in the lake (remember?) So in general i was pooing my self - we had switched the lights off - (like Saw) and decided to scare ourselves - It did the trick so we watched Silence of the Lambs to get over it! Now hows that for a film to feel better before you sleep.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Oldie but definately a goodie !

You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye ..Roon sirbees ..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes.I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."


RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be Fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

Manhunt by Rockstar

Found it ! - The new San Andreas - O nooes what have i done - went into Croydon with Overton shopping for his missus - they are moving in together this weekend and he wanted a second opinion on what to buy her - aaaaaar ! - So we ended up in Anne Summers ! hhahhaha - after breaking the ice with the nice helper girl i vanished off next door to HMV and bought Manhunt and Driv3r - Bloody hell ! Manhunt looks a little scary if i say so myself - And guess what Driv3r loks like San Andreas only in cars - so decided to have a look in JD Sports and low and behold i saw a new pair of K-Swiss - which now i think is a crazy crazy thing to do bearing in mind they have ridgid soles and dont give any support to the ankle and they are nearly the same trainers that i broke my leg in jumpoing off a fekking car. SHIT !

Anyway sod that im off to Clapham tonight with the lads to get very very sozzled - not loking forward to getting home tho - eeek - costs what 30 quid or so from there - especially to Purley - o nooooes. Still it will be worth it - DK SL TW and the rest of the weirdos will all be there and they are always on good form. So just been to Happy Yip down the road 7.95 eat as much as you can handle - and yes i did just that and now look like a sumo with very large pants on . . .

Sophie and Saskia

Sophie and Saskia getting it on in a hot tub - phwooooar!Click Realplayer for footage! Fella's - if you don't you'll be missing out on a little bit of Big Brother girl vs Nuts girl action in a hot tub - SFW by the way!

Crisp-ads just got crispier

Got an email this rainy miserable dark shitty morning - (can i get any darker?) - from crispads may i say - asking me to update the code for the ad's above - apparently it makes the page load quicker blah blah blah - well actually it does - So if you have a blog and i know you do - coz you wouldnt be here frankly would ya ! - anyway - Crispads is cool - you can name the subject of the ads you want to maximize clicks and last week i earnt 1 dollar 60 cents ! wooo - how about that for nothing - so sign the hell up here! (or click the banner on the right!) I might get a refferal fee and you get ads on ya blog - cool.
CrispAds Blog Advertising

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Online Readers

Ive added an online reader counter and at first it was saying 11 / 15 readers etc etc until i realised i had to put my URL in the code - doh - so know it reads to me ZERO readers - which is fine - but does it do the same for you - Please leave a comment im baffled why it should do that - ta in advance :)

I saw 'Saw' and loved it

Woo to that film - got in last night and watched Emmerdale - i see everyones getting their tits out nowerdays on telly - seems to big-up the ratings i suppose - good for us blokes, thats for sure! Couldnt handle yet another night of San Andreas with CB so checked my post and low and behold there was my next installments from Lovefilm.com. What a bloody good idea postal rental is! cor!

So got a Stella from the fridge, turned off all the lights and whacked Saw in the DVD - straight away i could tell it was gonna be a bit spooky due to the gory looking cut up fat bloke hanging off barbed wire - excellent i thought - i havent been shit scared in ages - ever since Cabin Fever! (that bit when the girl in the shed has lost all her skin off her face)

So me and CB jumped a few times but if im honest i was rooted to my sofa - the action was good and all round i was totally engrossed a good 8/10 from me - then i went to bed . . . bliss and early night for once !

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

San Andreas

I'm not far away from it now - it's been a long hard slog - about 2 months - more or less every night - Myself and CB - What the hell am i talking about? Grand Theft Auto San Andreas - Thats what - Ive never seen such an enthralling game - you literally can do any damn thing you like - from exporting cars to Russia to pimping the girls on your block to driving off 500 foot cliffs into water whilst parachuting, nicking planes, helicopters and even a rocket pack.

So whats all the fuss? - Its so bloody addictive - one night i didnt sleep till 5am in the morning. Stupid ! yes - care ? no - and am i nearing the completion of this bloody brilliant game - Yes - thank fuck for that. I can sleep again and just maybe i'll catch up on whats happening in the world of television.


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Anon1 Chatango

Whoever just came on and called me a cock - your right ! i am :) well done have a badge (u twunt!)

ps. your IP's been logged so i can trace ya . . . look forward to being bombed with spam

Friday, October 21, 2005

Whats the story - jackanory?

You know i was whining on about the weather the other day - Well today is not an exception - look at this shit! - first photo was taken at 10.25am and the 2nd at 10.31am and the third at 10.42am - whats that all about ? and secondly - when the fuck is it going to be light at 8 in the morning - at the moment its like the middle of the night at that time and frankly i've had enough of it all - Last night me and the Shakespeare got heavy on the beer - ended up thinking about seeing the titty bar thats opened in Croydon - decided not to - was in Walkabout until late and decided in there to fuck Croydon off and go home - to sleep apparently - Yep you guessed it - thats like saying - "Don't eat the sweets little boy - even tho' the jars open - don't eat the sugar" - isnt it? - so we stayed up talking with Button until - 4 - Yep and guess what - Missed the lift into work with Lynda - Karen was banging on the door as well ! Shit !



Thursday, October 20, 2005

Tattyshop mashes for today

Im a budding tattyshop user (photoshop cs) and if im honest im just not very good - but sometimes i manage to pull a good 'un out the bag - so for a change im going to post my creation woooo! Just so you understand as well - the Mars attack is a colleaugue of mine Danny and the one on the right is yet another colleauge of mine Roger - who both loved them and sent them on to their respective buddies out side of work - Im quite proud really :)

What is Goatse?

I feel that it is necessary to explain the word and/or name "Goatse" or Mr.Goatse - Since seeing goatse way back in my early twenties, it scared my brain into a world of horrific nightmares and acute fear of open fields and has led to many many words such as "mindpiss" "mind-bleach" and fwap - I shall explain a little bit more on the subject of "fwapping" later. Such beautiful words as "woo" and "yay" and "houlpla" are often associated with fwapping and the king of them all of course, is, Goatse.

Wanna know what Goatse is huh? Are you sure that you do? - Well ok then - click here - Alternatively you can read all about Goatse on wikipedia by clicking here

You are warned that goatse and any related media associated with goatse is stritly NSFW - your mum isnt gonna like it and frankly nor are you!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Window view


I hate the weather and mornings at the moment - they are just so damn miserable and dreary - In fact i just gives me the hump - So heres a lovely window shot of what i see from my window - Great

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Mummy on Wheels

My mum went in for an op on her feet a week ago and came out from the op being completely sucessful, apart from her obviously not being able to walk - anyway i went to see her yesterday evening and low and behold she was spartan with every intention of being as mobile as can be - So Robs dug one of his old computer chairs out from storage and shes using it as a makeshift 'wheelchair' of sorts!

Imagine an elder lady legs a kimbo whizzing around the kitchen and hallway / front room on a comp chair and diving up in the air to grab plates, books and all manner of items - its not only scary but very disconcerting. I told her to behave and rest - but noooooo - she says she be walking up and down the garden by the end of tomorrow - sheeesh

Nothing i can say about it really - i was like that - a little - walking around on my cast when i really should have been resting - ce la vie - just glad shes ok :)

Monday, October 17, 2005

Jokey pokey

A carrot has been run over by a car and ends up in hopital - As he wakes up the doctor comes round and says "It's been a tough 24hours but now, we have some good and bad news - The good news is your going to live and the bad news is your going to be a vegetable for the rest of your life"

Friday, October 14, 2005

Backstreets back alriiiite !

Now then now then - (in a jimmy saville voice) its not often i own up to being a wanker but i have some news that i'd like to share with you all. The Backstreet Boys are back - o yes they are - and that infectious tune "Rock ya Baaaardeeee - yeaaaaaa aaaaa" is rolling itself over and over in my head - True tho - however i work in a particually boyish and homophobic environment and i walked in this morning after getting to bed at 2am (beers were involved and rum btw) and started humming said tune.

Not just that - ! - but after 2 mins or so - three of the over lads and one director started humming it too - then - i thought "fuck it i'm fucked i'll do a dance" - so theres me doing the "mummy dance" you know the one - like in the video - and what the FUCK - the office all start doing the mummy dance and singing "backstreets back allllriiiiite"

Now theres a site you dont see on "The Office"

Thursday, October 13, 2005

England vs Sweden . . . i think !

'Ning ! either way it works or 'noon if its that time of the day .... ahem ok - so last night - was due to meet my pops and watch the footy - so got home and felt more or less like death after 20 odd days of boozing and late nights on the xbox - had a shower and got ready - went downstairs and bumped into Nicola Martinelli again - i think she lives in my block - cool - i think.

So dad was late but then it was rainy and dark and you know what the brits are like when the weathers shite - we drive like we are 89 years old with a glas eye - Got to Rectory and snaffled the leather sofas - started sipping my Stella - felt like i was sipping arsenic - ordered steak and waited when all of a sudden 2 girls wandered over and asked if they could join us - as theres another osfa adjacent to the one i was on. Now initially i was struck by this young lady's cute smile but as the night when on i realised she was an absolute fitty - her mate was plain Jane (or plain Claire as it would turn out!)

Half way thru England vs Poland we kept catching each others eyes and soon enough i was looking directly at her as she was to me - Unfortunately i was blowing my runny hooter at the time and she made a move as to blow her nose - i reacted by blowing a hole in the tissue and then muttered something or other - she reacted by leaning over the table and introducing herself - berloody hell i thought !

He name was Suzannaha and she was from Sweden - whooop whoop went my head - u know what they like doing there in the long lazy nights ! - she'd ben here 10 years and was in marketing or something - the footy was so loud i couldnt pick out half of what she was saying to me - and then she dropped it !

"It's my last day here in England i'm going home for good"

Quite frankly my heart stopped and i had another stroke - going home! .... what!! your fucking gorgeous - you cant stop talking to me and i think i love you (um a bit premature but u know what i mean) and your going home tonight ! - i suddenly felt the urge to have a wee - so i did. . . looked at myself in the mirror of the gents and uttered the words - "your fucking doomed pal - just face it" and then headed back to my seat.

So that was that - she offered to buy me and me dad a drink but frankly id run out of the will to live - so went home saying goodbye and good luck and nice to meet you and all that - wanted to ask for that mobile number but frankly what would the point have been ? - Bumped into Kaz who was dropping booze off to Craig - and before i went to bed i had to pull Craig up for singing bloody Frank Sinatra out loud for hours on end - poor lad fink he'd been rowing with mum and dad... slept liek a dead horse.


Monday, October 10, 2005

Nearly had a stroke - i did!

Well from Friday nights small stroke (thanks Karl for that email btw) it didnt really get any better for a while - was invited to a 21st on Friday night - but after going to the pub (no really! thats so unlike u sy!) and boring James and Karl - well i just didnt talk much - went home got ready and Kaz picked us up to go out - Got there and got pissed - the doubles were 2 pound 10 pence - so you can imagine the amount of booze that got downed by all three of us - Got home at twelvish and talked till dawn - CB told me something that i will never repeat to anyone - not even my Mum - i think she'd shit the bed - Well i did so im guessing she would too.

Got up Saturday and felt a little shit in fairness - spent the day watchin crap telly and made a spagboll - DM wanted me to go over whcih i did - but left early as my head and bosy was clearly in a state of massive over use and wanted to sleep - I did just that .

Sunday provided a blue sky and sun so i ventured off to the - guess ! yep the Pub - saw an old girly i was trying to get hold of back in the days when i did that sort of thing (im too old and bloody boring to do that now) - she was with some ape of a bloke - as i remember she was just too bloody stuck up her own arse - But she looked ok still - i wasnt going to say hy - not after 6 years or so - Went home and San Andrea'sd myself to death.

My Mums due in hospital this morning - I bet shes pooing herself - after all shes basically having her feet broken so as to make them better - Mum my heart is with you fully and i hope you get well soon :)

Friday, October 07, 2005

My ex Anouska !

Just got a randomly sent picture and i nearly dropped dead when i saw who it was - Well i cant be sure but hey - how many girls look like this girl - When i was with her she wanted a boob job - and when i say a boob job i mean she had none so im guessing she went the whole shooting match and got these Kahoonas !! see both the photos and tell me what you think ! Anouska Clements Anouska Clements Anouska Clements Anouska Clements Anouska Clements

Good boy - Now drop it , drop it !



Thanks to Amon for this lully picture :) and to B3TA for making my life almost complete.


Marqueseans mail from Queenie

A friend of mine Queenie decided to set off round the world a few months ago and leave these shores for hotter and clearly more beautiful places - Have a read of this and wish that you were there too - I know i do !

hello all,
this is very difficult as i am in paradise and high speed
internet has not arrived here and i am using a french key board and of course i would rather be lazing around the lagoon than sitting in a sweaty internet cafe. I am in moorea at the moment, having left the boat in Tahiti on Monday, the voyage across the pacific was increadible and took a while longer than planned. Where do i start? a few of the many highlights so far: the stars and planets on a clear night the phosphoresense in the water on cloudy, dark nights panoramic sunsets and sunrises, because of the watch rota 2 out of 3 days i saw both clinging to the helm on rough night watches frantically pulling in the sails during tropical squalls sitting on the bow spit listening to Miles Davies - a kind of blue ; blue sky blue sea going up the rigging for some time alone or a quiet chat eating freshly caught tuna sashimi ridiculous discussions on long quiet night watches windy days when we quietly flew through the waves calm days when we could dance on deck or stop the boat and swing off the yards into the sea the birds and the fish, particularily the flying fish that accompanied us through out the voyage, there is a surprising amount of life in the deep pacific crossing the equater- we all had to undergo a secret initiation ceremony horrible but fun but meant we were aloud our first drink in more than 20 days music, singing and story time low tech evening entertainment a few low points: wet night watches my bunk more like a coffin than a bed, no room even to sit up lack of privcy, decent food and fresh water getting stuck in a tropical cyclone with the wind against us our engine on full power just so that we would not go backwards which put too much strain on the engine pump which broke causing panic through out the boat Our first stop was Nuka Hiva in the Marqueses a haunting beautiful place of steep strange shaped volcanic mountains The Marquesans are an amazing race who decided at the end of the 19th century that their race should not continue. after having their population reduced from hundreds of thousands to a few thousand by white mans diseases they decided enough was enough and they killed and ate all new born babies. they have since decided they still want to exist and the islands are littered with the remains of their once formidable civilsation. We moored in two different bays and had an increradible time; snorkling with huge manta rays everyday - one day there was seventeen of them swimming with us walking through the remains of an ancient settlement and deep forest to get to the worlds second highest waterfall to swim in the pool at the bottom coming across totally tatooed hunters on horses with backs of dogs in the forest chatting to the amazingly friendly locals Next stop apataki a deserted coral atol for snorkling on an amazing reef where i met a charming shark then on to Moorea and finally tahiti. i have had so many adventures you have not even heard half of it. I am off to Bora Bora tomorrow then on to Rangiroa and then Rurutu and finally new zealand. i may be gone a while hope all is well with you

So what about that ! I dont even know where the fuck the Marquesa's are - well i googled and they are roughly half way between Australia and South America in the midle of the South Pacific. Woo !

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Blog and head Expoding

In light of this cool person saying good positive shit on her blogging and having an enlightened blog - she has been saying nice things on peoples comment systems - which really does seem like a great idea - So - today during my cold calling session (pfffft) i will be hopping and commenting - So if you get one and you come back here - you'll know who to thank!

Secondly - i'd like to say that if a certain person doesnt stop annoying the fuck out of me at work i will explode and be forced to throw a fork or spork in the persons general direction - trying too hard to be be funny - just isnt funny - joining in quips when they are losely based on you - doesnt get a laugh - it just gets worse - Im not an office bully - im bullied myself - (or was) - but through hard determination and through taking that sales office banter (invaribly in the ass) and using it to work my hand - i have managed to turn the tables or at the very least sit on the same table as my piers. So young bloke - please take my advice and STFU (I do mean this nicely)

Monday, October 03, 2005

More leg breaking !

Well after Thursday's jaunt out in town with DK, all day friday was a little like being a zombie - most of the morning and early afternoon is was in fact perfectly ok - just a little drunk still i think - DK didnt get in work until 10.30am - after JH and JJN questioned me to the edge of my life on what i had done to him - truth is he had stayed out till 5am with a mystery guest - wooo.

So Friday day was deadly - wanted to sleep all day - got a doner for lunch which was a mistake if i was honest as i feel it made me fall sleep - blog the rest of w/end later im off to do some work !! pffft - ok in short - Friday night was supposed to go to NH's bday at Conchitas - except i went home for a nap and fell asleep - Until 12 midnight when i hear voices in my house - It's CB and a broken leg that he'd suffered after falling off a motorbike ! NOT AGAIN !! - slept like a baby until early hours of Saturday lunch - Got up did shopping and met DM for a beer - Went home and got deeply engrossed in San Andreas - Was up until some godly hour like 6am i think and finally went to sleep - Sunday was a white out - got up at 2pm felt like shit - stayed in bed and stayed there until Sunday night about 9pm when i got up and watch a copy of War of the Worlds - Which was awesome btw.