Thursday, September 29, 2005
Now theres a young lady in my life that has an extremely well set of breasts - Shes a bright and funny girl, who, in light of this tale and after some thought, is actually one of my good friends and i hope always will be - However - She has an un-natural urge to show the world her tit's. Not "out" as is page 3 - but more Zoo or Nuts (in a bra and top if you can call it that) - My question is - How much boob can you legally show in the office before i begin wanking under my desk ? - Today i think i'm going for the "office wank" stripes - i have many of these "stripes" already (ask me later i'll tell you what stripes i have) but i feel the wank stripe is particually important - Especially since i fwap almost every hour when im on my own and therefore i qualify as a "wanka"
You may ask yourself why i called this post Dan and Tim - well Dan and Tim are as bald as me and therefore resemble young ladys heavy chesticles - I shall be taking a picture a some point to show you the full extent of the tittage. Im not complaining about it - except that i have a small problem - Im massively attracted to boobs - and cant stop looking at 'em - What the fuck can i do - ive been rumbled so many times now its ridiculous - but the more i get rumbled the smaller the top gets - I wonder if she gets a kick from my gawping - what do you lot reckon ?
Now onto a more interesting subject - Im a fully fledged 419'r - Do you know what a 419 is ? If not then look here - So im sure you get the picture - but today i got the best one EVER - and i urge you to help me in this "ungodly" task (punnage was quite good there!) Normally the email gets you involved in mining a diamond mine - 42 carats normally - or helping bank 42 million US dollars coz someones dad has been imprisioned - (i fucking hate these *unts) So heres a slice of the email that i think even YOU will feel is sick and twisted.
"I am Mrs. Rosaline Holstein I am a dying woman who have decided to donate what I have to you/ church. I am 59 years old; 2 years ago I was diagnosed for cancer, immediately after the death of my husband Mr. Gregory Ray Holstein, who has left me everything he worked for while in America."
Firstly why is she donating to me? and secondly i think Gregory would probably have some friends - bearing in mind he rich and lives in America - and thirdly - why the fuck isnt she in America ?
I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for the good work of God, rather than allow my relatives to use my husband's hard earned funds ungodly. Please pray that the good Lord forgive me my sins. I have asked God to forgive me and I believe he has because He is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation in less than one hour.
Touched by God ? and who are the relatives that are ungodly? - i cant quite get over the twunt emailing just me before going into an operation 1 hour before her death . . . . God is merciful i can vouch for that - but i do hope that this 419'r catches ebola and dies. Please . . .
Lastly - please do visit my 419 site and add any 419's you have - and if you like we can go baiting theses *unts - just like me and my good friend SL .... muhahhahaha
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Other wise all is well - I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night with intense pain - not sure why - its starting to dull now - just healing pains im guessing - i was close to going back to Mayday to get a cast put back on - alas i think its getting better enough to warrant just taking it easier as opposed to flat out !
Friday, September 23, 2005
Now sometimes b3ta gets me right on the funny bone and i think you'll agree that the wit in this is superb. . Bearing in mind i took the piss out of Katrina before she flooded New Orleans out - i think this is in slightly better taste - I apologise for my previous post about Katrina - especially the nasty one about the bloke who stayed at home with his wife and kids and wondered why they died - Pretty sad i feel . . but i still feel the same - So brings me to the point - The Texas evacuation is due to people actually understanding that this Rita as shes known, is by all accounts a vicious 140mph windy bitch and a catergory 5 hurricane, fucking lethal and will probably wipe 80 percent of Texas's oil refinery's off the face of the planet. Thus making petrol plastic and everthing in the world just that little more expensive - Welcome to the next recession Mr.Bush
Update a bit later on
It looks a bit like this except its 4x2 - hmm maybe i'll get a better picture for you !
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
1) Catch the idiot who nicked my phone, didnt pay the rent and pretended to be a "nice" bloke "trust me man - i don't know why you can't "
2) Live in Gran Canaria for 6 months (love it!)
3) Not be scared of heights!
4) Get my leg working properly (it better or there will be hell to pay !)
5) Speak english clearer ! and LISTEN !!
6) Save enough money to buy a house (o and hold a girl down for more then 3 years!)
6 Things I Can Do:
1) Annoy the shit out of most people easily ! just by looking at them (try me punk)
2) Drink more pints then you on a Monday night (not a good thing)
3) Fly off the handle even when calm !
4) Spend too much time on the net !! i mean WAY too much time ! (see !)
5) Play Texas Hold'em poker very well (see you at partypoker.com!)
6) Make a noise like a drowning cat (it's brill !)
6 Things I Can’t Do:
1) Stop boozing in the week and not on the weekend ! (ive tried very hard!)
2) Pee in a straight line (ie. not on the floor)
3) Drink Vodka straight
4) Thinking about my ex ex girlfriend (see here)
6) Run, ski play football and walk properly (due to smashed up leg)
6 Things That Make Me Attractive To The Opposite Sex:
1) Huge willy*
2) Sensitive persona**
6) pass . . . .
6 Things I Say All The Time:
2) eh eh ehhhhh (little britain)
3) "**** off you ****" or just "You ****"
5) "yea well i've just done a plasma wall for ******* *** ..... "
1) Lyndsey Lohan (gets me going bigtime......woo)
2) Britney (if only in that air hostess uniform ..... yay)
3) Denise Van Outen (o god i'd cut off a teste for a fiddle!)
4) Catherine Zeta-Jones (well she is a goddess)
5) Jennifer Aniston (i like her cuddlinessand she looks like AC)
6) And strangely im massively stalking Fern Cotton
6 peeps that I've Tagged:
Ok, I think I’ll pass this on to:
* Could be a lie - since you have no clue to how enourmous it is you'll have to enquire personally (only girls need apply!)
** same as above
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Yep - im a made man - Today i completed the Plasma screen order and its looking fine - And i sold a little machine to a lovely Lord in the House of Lords - Who obviously i can't name - but for now hes called Lord Cock of Fuckborough - Suitably he was a spiffing chap and full of praise for the exsqusite service that i provide . . General business strangely has been a little slack on the whole - Not a lot going on - Lost a 1500 gp order as we were not prepared to lend the machine on loan for a month - she even agreed to pay for the loan - which cheesed me off - Have a look here for a peep at what machine i sold for 3750 !
Apart from that i spoke to MH last night who's worrying himself to an early grave by the sounds of it! - Worried about money and getting a loan - hey buddy get a flatmate ! well try anyway that room is just big enough to store a flea ! hehe - i lived there for a year mind so no laughing ok - I suspect that this is a company that you need to get in touch with mate! or er ..... here .
Mental Loony Bonkers got in touch ! yesh very funny - just like 15 years hasnt passed at all ! memories of the loft came streaming back and of course 'Arry ! wheres 'Arry huh - listen RL you have to find that tape of 'Arry and his pals - That pilot radio show has to be aired - after a few cans of course or i'm likely to think we're nutz and have shame!
So thats it for the last day or so - been busy sorting shit out - o yea i forgot - had some girl from America get all irate about a photo of hers on FlickR - see here - proper funny ! i nabbed it off HOTorNOT - and sent it to my FlickR account yea - Then next thing i know shes sending me irate messages about not taking my own pictures and shit - Actually called me a (and i quote!!! get this it's brill) "worthless-no-camera-having-butt-fucking-son-of-a-bitch" which is fair i suppose!! - Only that i sell them - and own 4 - o and a real good credit card printer too . . So anyway - I apologised - took the offending piccy of Jordan off FlickR - and went on my merry way.. I wonder if she knows that it's on HOTorNOT - Im guessing she does, the attention seeking so and so . . . or i wonder if one of her many ex's may have posted it - i shall never know
Friday, September 16, 2005
So this weekend i will be mostly keeping myself on my back and getting better - Not going out anywhere and i will be making some adjustments for home.
Have good-un !
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Aaaanyway - DS and Kris - o and richard - shit Roger too - keep remembering who was there - so anywaaay yea we went to The Dukes Head - lovely pub that is and bumped into clairebear - as usual on the puggy pugging away - 24 squid down the drain in less then it takes to wallop a pint down ya neck - thats the way it is for her ... yea erm yes all down the pub drinkydoos and then off for a curry - namely the Kyber - Billie was there again, all ears about lurkperson and ended up getting Mariah Carey ringtone off Roger - shameful thing was that it took for ever to download - nice fone tho - one of those Razr Motorola's - kewl - Ate about 4 forks of lamb curry - 2 more beers and guess what - Yep instead of heading off home we all went to - guess - no go on - the worst shit hole piss poor piss ridden dog shit bar in the world - The Milan Bar.
Enough said - got home and went to sleep - end of night.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
So anyway i'll update later i'm flat out
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
It all began back in August 1882 when Austarlia beat England at home for the first time ever. It was a defeat which shocked the sporting world - an a few cats. The sporting Times newspaper printed a tribute to the death of English cricket and said it's body would be cremated and the ashes sent to Australia. These mythical 'ashes' turned real when England next toured Australia. The Aussies presented then England captain (go on the Vaughny) Ivo Bligh with a real set of ashes, made from a burnt bail, In a small pot (as seen at the top of this post) - These ashes, kept in glass cage at Lord's, sparked the start of the tournament, and now im afraid thats where they will stay for at least 2 years. Wooooo .
And by the way for some reason i feel this victory wasnt quite as big as winning the Rugby in Australia 2003 (20-17 wilkinson kick) - but it is sweeet all teh same - I suppose now i'll have to find something different to talk about at work as the last 7 weeks has been cricket cricket cricket - which is odd as most people hate it - Now its bloody brilliant - Lets all hop on the bandwagon! Thanks to b3ta for the images
So anyway - back to the hospital scenario - got there at 10am and as usual waiting for fucking ages at the xray shop - staring at dull grey wallpaper and a picture of a desert - i now have nightmares about that picture - the flurescent lighting in that place gave me a severe headache - and actually now i know it was a migraine - something which if you get them you know how bloody painful they are - So anyway got the xray done and back to se Mr.Kinmont - waitied for about an hour (again!) and then saw him - i swear in the 4 months ive been in and out of Mayday this bloke hasnt had a single haircut - he looks like a fluffy schoolkid with a stupid half posh and half common accent ! - So he took one look at the xrays and asked how i felt - i just said i'd been walking on 2 legs and he said fine - i'll leave the cast off and you can go home now - I was a bit stunned as my leg felt so droopy and weird that i was unsure i really wanted to go home.
So attached here are the pictures of the scars on either side of my leg where the 20 or so pins and 2 plates live - can't feel the skin over the plate at all - The 2 scars are bloody sore and you can see where i currently have snake skin - 3 baths and counting and the stuffs still bloody hanging off! i didnt realise until last night but where i was itching with a binder coz it was itchy -0 i was actually digging into the skin coz i cant feel it hence i have numerous scars and abrasions where i was scratching so hard i broke the skin - NICE ! - But just so you know i am walking - with a limp and the moment but im guessing in say 3 weeks i'll be walking completely normally and perhaps even running! We shall see and i'll keep you lot in the news.
Friday, September 09, 2005
More beers and a bacon sandwich when i got home - bloke downstairs was playing annoying loud music at 12pm - frankly i got the hump and went and knocked at his door - never-the-less it stopped and i got my beautysleep - wish i'd taken a bottle of water to bed-i-byes tho.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
The parents of 15-year-old leukaemia patient Josh Morten, who last night passed away after a four year battle with the illness, said they were sorry not to have fulfilled his dying wish to get a blow job from Cameron Diaz.
The courageous teenager told his family two months ago that the one thing he'd really like before he died was to be sucked off by the successful Hollywood actress and former model.
"Josh never asked for much," his father confided. "He never complained about his illness, or made unrealistic demands. So when he requested fellatio from the star of Charlies Angels and Theres Something About Mary we thought, sure, that’s the least we can do for him."
But attempts to grant Josh his dying wish proved much more difficult than the family had initially thought. Formal requests inviting the star to perform oral sex on their dying son were repeatedly declined.
"We wrote, we rang, we faxed," Mr Morten explained. "And every time it was the same answer: 'Sorry, Ms Diaz is currently unable to comply with your request.' I mean, how unsympathetic can you get? We're talking about a dying kid here! Would it kill her?"
Mr Morten even made a special trip to Los Angeles, to try to talk to the movie star personally outside the premiere of Gangs of New York. "The crowds were ten deep," he said, "and I'm there yelling out to her from the back: 'Will you go down on my son please!', but she didnt want to know."
With hopes diminishing by the day, Mr Morten placed similar standby requests with the agents representing Catherine Zeta Jones, Jennifer Lopez and Salma Hayek, but in each case the stars refused to co-operate.
"Who do they think they are, these women!" railed Mr Morten. "They earn millions of dollars and swan about at fancy parties, but when they get a simple request to bring a smile to a young boy far less fortunate than them, they turn their back on you. What kind of world do we live in when a dying teenager can no longer get his cock sucked by a celebrity?"
originally posted here
So last night! my o my - went to the Gyppo and home - few beers there and got bored - called DM - went to Rectory - Then onto Milan bar - which was surely the most shittest place ever - I did however try to shake it all about and do the hokey cokey - but it wasnt much fun as my leg decided to tell me off quite sternly when i got home (by the way i dont remember when that was) So all good - though i got done bigtime at the bar but then i remembered its stupid prices during the week. Even so i called the bank to report potential ripping of my card.
Can't quite beleive i managed to get to work on time - smell strongly of beer and fags and have made loadsa money as usual - how does that work anyway? feeling hungover and doing great deals even though potentially i should be put to sleep. hmmm. B3ta is very quiet today - posted a 3rd crappy tattyshop that i did and no bastard commented - that's how shite it was. However lastly i got sent something which is beyond me - ive tried to show you what i can as an image but you really will NOT get the jist of it unless you look at the full .wmv. Trust me you'll never be the same again - and you certainly won't be taking the piss out of any fat boob'd muthers anymore !! Click the win media button or here for the file.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
So how many loony's will it take to 'knock the planet off course' (and who knows where!) - go on have a little guess - and don't cheat by looking at the site - It's 600,000,000 - six hundred million to you and me - 600 MILLION ! are you funking mental - thats more then half of China! o how i did let out a little 'arf' when i read that.
So there i was ready to sign up - you know i have to - it's in my genes to do these things and then i see another figure of how many wingnuts have already signed-up - yep over 263 million and yet there is only until 20th july 2006 next year to sign up - So i emplore you Blog World - Sign up to World jump Day and lets all let the world leap into a different orbit - perhaps nearer the sun so we all fry - or what about into a passing 100 mile wide asteroid so we all die like the dinosaurs - can't wait till July - I'm jumping from now!
There is a player who has played in the Munich derby, the Milan derby, Tyneside derby, Merseyside derby and the North London derby?
Who is he ? Apparently he hasn't reached 35 yet - baffled ? Me too - any ideas bung it into comments
Seemingly unable to draw on its wealth at short notice to immediately respond to the disaster, charities in other countries, such as the British Red Cross, are now launching appeals to raise money. In addition half a million military ration packs worth an estimated £3m have been flown out from the UK and more are expected to follow.
The public in many countries are accustomed to providing aid to poverty stricken developing nations, but the need to provide assistance to the most opulent country in the world may leave many perplexed. Indeed it does me - No need to quote official figures on costs in Iraq - or even how many zillions of dollars America invest in NASA for instance - mungggggg
On a further Dukes of Hazzard point - What a great show that was - i used to love it as a kid and as i remember was on at about 5pm on a Saturday afternoon - or was it ? was it just before "Sunday Monday Happy Days - Tuesday Wednesday Happy Days duh duh etc etc " loved that as well - Daisy Duke was horny but who was that girly out of Happy Days ? She was just as cute i think - o was is the testosorone in my hairy ballsack making those noises in my head? hmmmm - I see that on google this remake of the 70's 80's show has a great big review score of 1.7 out of 5 - thats piss poor in my book !
Monday, September 05, 2005
So ive decided - I need to get my leg over - its been far too long and i'm starting to doubt my incredible wooman powers - they were once great but alas they have turn their back on me and have walked far enough to not hear my screams at night - but not that far that i can't gun them down and surrender to my terms (wtf?)
So game plan 1. Get a wooman on the go - 2. Get a life - 3. Wait until the ad gets placed and watch the phone ring and choose wisely.
Got it ? keep it real.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Perhaps not! George Bush jnr (the swine) said he was giving permission for his Guards to shoot if needed - and all this, after the zombies (hungry neworleans) were firing at National Guard rescue helicopters. Oh what fun it must be living in Louisiana. Anyone wanna time share swap?
So back to news in the UK - This prick (Mohammed Sidique Khan) was seen on Arab Tv - with a very strong Leeds / Yorkshire accent going on about Britain being the evil one and stuff. Strange thing was that the price of rucksacks suddenly shot up and lo-and-behold "press red to get yours" appearred on the top right of my screen - inticing me to buy a lovely rucksack - so that we all can look dodgy as fuck - Actually very funny (i thought) - Of course i feel for the 52 - but life goes on and and we all decide it's taboo and wrong to maul and titter at such acts then it just wouldnt be cricket - yar......
And yes that brings me actually quite nicely to the cricket which again starts on Thursday - At the Oval - which oddly is in Stockwell - whick oddly starts on Thursday in Stockwell - mmmm - i wont be there - Hey i hope nothing happens and quite honestly i'm sure it won't - But i'm guessing that if you wanna take a rucksack full of cake and stuff to watch Vaughn'y ( i can call him that now ive watched over 20 hours of teh ashes) erm knock the shit out of the Aussies (i fear that we won't) - however as i expressed - I fear that we won't - It would be nice to win though - even draw - Soooo anyway anything else to add to this weeks weekend blog - O yea i added 5000 credits to BE - so my next 2 months of readers will be chuffed to keep seeing my blog month after month !
So i'm off to see off KW - after leaving work to join a famous type of advertising agency - she will nedd some luck i bet! - and then on to Sutton maybe to get wretched with DM and some beer and stuff - Woooo Yay - tell ya all about it next week.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
This image by the way is titled - "I really must learn how to draw"
So anyway the point of me posting today is just to big up them boyz and gurls on the site - One of them namely PacheyPie is just brill at mashing up bbc's website news sheets. Click here for one of the funniest and here for all of them.
And just in case anyone actually reads my blog - take a look at Rate my Poo - it's great and i'm actually afraid of looking at the site again - ever - you have been warned