Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Possibly the worst Christmas possible . . . .

Yes - now im not gonna sit here and whine on about me me me - because the startling devastation across asia outweighs my grief by 150,000 to 1 (and counting) - I couldnt beleive it when i got back from my dads after Boxing day - i had no idea that had happened - That aside i just stood for my 3 minutes silence and wanted to shed a tear for all those poor souls who lost their loved ones and family - My heart is with you all......

However this is my blog and i have to tell my story - The Sunday before Christmas my now ex girlfriend dumped me - with no reason either she said - o so i thought - everyone has a reason and i think she had many - In all honesty its not the reason i wanted but WHY didnt she talk to me about it - Im a nice guy - i can listen (too much sometimes) and not afriad of change so why on earth didnt she talk to me - I asked her "Why" - " i dont know " was the answer i kept getting back from her I think we both know Sonia that that wasnt good enough for me - and left me thinking all kinds of things that probably were not true ... It was only a week before that she was happy to spend Christmas with me - asked if i could stay that week - i was cooking dinner for us all .... What on earth made her change her mind - was it someone else - was it that i didnt call her on Saturday - Was it always on the cards anyway and she was living a lie for the last 2 months since Black Friday ? Fuck knows

Whatever the reason i spent Christmas alone and that wasnt a fun option - Even matt went away - leaving me for 3 days in solitude - it was on hindsight quite good for me - I went places in my head and soul i never knew existed - I questioned everything about myself and my soul asked me to make a change - So i am ....

Im not looking for anyone to fill the void - the void that i have lives within me - Changes are afoot that will make me a complete person - not an emotional rollcoaster rider - the man that i am now....

Im not saying it will be ok overnight - it wont i still think of her every bloody minute of the day - She sits there on messenger and doesnt say hello - now she doesnt answer my text - which is weird coz i missed her call and text her if it was important ... I dont know .... My mums fiance called her "trunculent" - Now that word does not i said NOT describe her at all ! She was kind , funny, generous and loving - talented and vervacious - she rocked my world and i loved her ..... So anyway once the niggling pain of losing someone special dies out, i will try hard to stick to my new regime of things - its nothing durastic at all ! so dont get confused or think im a superstar as its clear from my blog i am not ...

But guess what - I WILL BE ! Too many times have i fallen out of love and fallen in love overnight - it has to stop and 2005 is the year of me - Im not sharing myself this year - If someone comes along and changes my life - helps me acheive what im looking to do - so be it .... im not hanging around someone just for the sake of it

Now im waffling bollocks so im off to do some work again ...


catch u soon monkey ;)

1 comment:

  1. I'm down with you too man. Single, cold, and bitter, and it's only gonna get colder. It's tough, so do what you need to do to get happy. Whatever you do: smoke pot, Go to tanning bed, punch someone, go turkey hunting...whatever works dude. I've heard that in London women outnumber men 3 to 1. I live in a high population of men. If a cute girl walks into a pub and I want to talk to her I will have to deal with about 5 cockblockers. And if anybody says anything about that then your considered an asshole. It's so frustrating. Anyway, good luck.

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